Stunning Simplicity

Day 12 of my 30 Day Blog Journal - Something you are OCD about

2011-02-27T03:42:00.000+08:00

The procrastination of this 30 Day Blog Journal really tells you alot about me doesn't it. Read: lazy, unreliable, etc. :( I'm so tempted to give up on it, but for the sake of reviving my blog (and keeping my word), I won't.

I'm really OCD about packing. Like when I'm travelling.

It all began in highschool, since the age of 14, I begin to what I would call being active in extra curricular activities. Though some may depict this as the downfall of my quest for being a straight A student, I would beg to differ. Anyway, as I was saying, I joined the choir, St. John Ambulance and English drama club. I was ~~talented~~ lucky enough that I did enter many competitions and in all 3, my team reached nationals! You might be interested to know that though I never had the opportunity to lift a national champion trophy, I did come pretty close (2nd placing for choir and drama!).

Anyhooo... back to the topic. So, I had to travel for these competitions easily about 2-3 times a year for the district and national levels. As a kid going away from home, without my parents, it was kinda traumatising to imagine what I would do if I brought one less panties. Or got my period out there and didn't bring pads. Or forgot my toothbrush. Note that we were placed in such a controlled situation, and psycho chaperones, that it was not easy to just walk out and buy something. So I started making lists. I had a notebook (which I still keep till today) and every page of it has a list that looks something like this:

Stuff to Take to Nationals (2-5 Oct 2000, Terengganu)

Toiletries
Soap
Shampoo & Conditioner
Towel
Toothbrush
Toothpaste
Mouthwash

Grooming (I didn't know what else to call this category)
Cleanser
Toner
Moisturizer
Cotton
Deodorant
note that the following items were needed for my on-stage make up, and not because i was allowed to wear make up otherwise at that age.
Hairspray
Eye shadow
Eye liner
Lipstick
Blusher

Clothes
12 pairs of B&P (note: I had to code it fearing someone might see it. lol. and yes, I overpack my undergarments till today!)
Day 1 - top and jeans / nightwear
Day 2 - top and skirt / nightwear
Day 3 - dress / nightwear
Day 4 - top and jeans
2 extra tops
2 extra pants/jeans
Shoes
Sandals
Slippers
Heels
Socks

Extras
Camera
Batteries
Phone Charger
Tissue
Pads
Pain killer (i suffer intolerable cramps)
Common medication (i took everything from flu tablets to food poisoning remedies)
Pen & journal
Wallet
Money
House keys (in case my parents forgot I was coming home and went out on a date)
Sunblock
Extra scrunchies
Walkman (ah don't you miss those big bulky things)

So yeah, that was what my list use to look like. Mind you, I never reused the list. I made a list for every trip. And still do. Till today. Also, this is such a bad OCD thing because I lose control and overpack just coz my list includes the most ridiculous things (extra scrunchies??). Not to mention the additional clothes. I always come back from a trip without using more than half of the clothes I packed.

So there :)

Enlightened Thursday

2011-02-17T04:59:00.001+08:00

Yes, sometimes I can be so ignorant about certain things and often, I make quick assumptions about stuff. When I'm finally enlightened with the truth, I'm amazed! Of course the amazement comes after a feeling of temporary stupidity, followed by me chuckling to myself. But it's nice when you get to laugh at yourself, no? :)

photo credit

For example, you know that line from Elton John's song 'Sacrifice' which goes:

Cold cold heart / Hard done by you

Till I was 16, I use to think it was "cocoa puff". Don't ask where I got that from. At that time, that's what it sounded like to me!

credit

More recently, after doing 4 advertorials across 4 months for one of our biggest clients, Perodua, only a week ago (while staring blankly at the logo on my mum's car) did I realise that their logo is actually the letter P. I thought it was just a pattern of some sort!

I'm still not done laughing at myself so feel free to join me ;)
I'm sure you have had your moments of enlightenments too!

How have you been enlightened?
Ever thought something was such for the longest time, only to realise you were wrong?

It can happen to anyone of us.

2011-02-11T00:02:00.000+08:00

I made a mistake today. Costly one.

It finally hit me how I've been taking things too lightly. At the risk of losing something that means so much to me. I cannot afford this. I've got way more than this to prove. Not to anyone but to myself. (Coz the rest of the world can go and die for all I care)

This is the one thing right now in my life that is going well. And that I simply cannot screw up. The rest of the things in my life, is already successfully screwed up and beyond repair. So this thing right here, my baby that's just beginning to grow, I'm gonna fix it while I can. It's neck isn't broken yet. Just maybe a hairline fracture in it's thumb. So I'm just gonna put a tiny cast, take good care of it till its healed and continue nurturing it till it grows into a healthy baby, a smart teenager, a wise adult and die a legend.

NO MORE MESSING THIS UP.

That's for sure.

ps: This is not a real baby so don't freak out. It's not even a human being so it was just a metaphor. Chill out! :)

Beauty Pageant Candidate??

2011-02-05T03:17:00.000+08:00

I will never fathom the logic of people who suddenly develop a certain accent after spending only about 10- 16% of their lives in a particular country. It appears even more stupid when there appears to be a few 'degrees' of this accent. Sometimes thick. Sometimes half past 2. Sometimes Manglish-ised.

Which is worse. Someone who's straight forward and blunt. Or someone who's an expert at sugarcoating their words and plastering a smile on their face all the time. Just like everything in this world, both has its pros and cons.

I have to admit, I'm the former. I don't really make an effort to sugarcoat my words and my facial expressions speak a thousand words. It doesn't always work to my benefit, but I have to say I do try my best not to cross the line to appear disrespectful or mean. Keyword : 'try'. Of course there are times when I do wish that I can plaster a smile, and say the perfect things...because it's not always a good impression to be like that. And you tend to piss alot of people off. :)

Likewise, I come across people (especially recently) who put on their gorgeous smiles, saying the sweetest things and just as I begin to think, what a nice person... I see them turn around and roll their eyes. Or start bitching the minute the 'victim' turns their back. To me, that says a lot about that person. Because the next thing I know, they're saying sweet things to me and giving me that infamous million dollar smile. What am I suppose to make out of that? Obviously I have my doubts and my guard is up all the time. And its difficult being around people like this. Ones you're not sure you can trust. And instead of building trust, it gets harder as the day goes by and I see more and learn more about the ugly side of things.

But that's just how it is isn't it? Life, I mean. The more you learn, the longer you're around, the many experiences you go through, the harder it gets to carry on. That's why they say ignorance is bliss. And that's why I always say, you can't unlearn what you've learn. I just gotta find a way around things, to know when to stand up and conquer, and when to back down and walk away.

Conclusion here is... there's not much of a conclusion than what I've already said. Simply because, I'm not even halfway there. I don't know what lies ahead and I'm not in a 'been there, done that' position. So all I can do is give it my best shot. I'm still trying. And with the fake people around me... GOD HELP ME!

Twittery Twit Tweet

2011-02-04T02:51:00.000+08:00

Random Rant
I've lost count of the number of times I clicked on 'New Post', stared at the blank white space and then just closed the window. Whatever happened to my ability to blog on just about every single thing that happens in my life. Those were the days when my friends use to go, "omg you're gonna blog about this aren't you".

I've had a twitter account for the past year or so but never utilised it because I simply didn't get it. I recently got twittive (twitter-active) again just to see what the hype is about. And also because it makes my job of keeping up with celebrity gossips much easier. (Yes, part of my job scope is keeping up with the latest in the entertainment world).

Anyway, so I got active again. Tweeted a line a day or something. And clicked the 'follow' button of just about every celebrity I knew. Local celebs, international ones, actors, singers, footie stars. It was fun and so surreal at first, very entertaining to keep up with these celebs' tweets. But after a while, it's gets abit... boring.
And I'm back where I started - wondering and trying to figure out whats the big deal about Twitter?? I'm sorry, I just don't get it :(

Don't get me wrong, I'm not just a stalker. I do follow my friends as well. But seriously. This is worse than facebook updates. I don't want to know if Friend A just checked into the gym. Or if Friend B hurt herself in a stupid way. And it made me feel stupid as I typed "just watched Social Network".

Sigh. Maybe its not Twitter. Maybe its me.

Quote of the year (2010)

2011-01-29T15:16:00.000+08:00

If Elton John and Madonna had a baby, it would be Lady Gaga

-Jon Bonjovi-

Because I like looking from the other side of the window

2011-01-28T01:56:00.000+08:00

This guy who auditioned for American Idol, told a story of how he was going out with this girl for 8 years, they played a home video of him proposing to her at a coffee place (she was a barista), and she said yes of course. They were engaged to be married, and just a mere 2 months before the wedding, she met with an accident. I'm not quite sure what happened but its some sort of brain damage. She's semi paralysed and looks like she has little control of her limbs, as in they twitch real bad.

He stayed by her side. And proudly told the judges, "I'm engaged". He also said something along the lines of:

"we were gonna exchange vows in 2 months... for better or for worse, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health... and what kind of man would I be if I left her when she needs me the most"

He's 26 years old.

It just got me thinking about how he's feeling. And what he really wants. Of course, I thought, what would I do.

Yeah, sure it's easy to say, "Of course I'd stand by my fiance/fiancee if he/she got paralysed and no longer looks like how he/she looks". I would say it now, yeah, I would stand by the love of my life under any circumstances. But if you really go deeper than the surface... put yourself in his shoes. Imagine how difficult it must me. I'm sure not a second goes by without him thinking about the what ifs.

He's 26 years old. His life is only just beginning. And yet, he chooses to stand by his woman. You can hear it in his tone. When he says, "what kind of man would I be if I left her when she needs me the most". He's there not "only because he loves her". He has to take into account so many other things. Lets face reality. If he leaves to continue his life, what impression will that leave? Imagine the karma that could possibly bite him back in the ass. He will not only break her heart, but also the hearts of her parents, and all the people around him who believed that he will do the 'right thing'.

How many of you would say he's a bastard/jerk/asshole/*insert cuss word here* if he left her?

All of you with your hands up and ready to kick his ass if he leaves her... think again.
You mean you'd give up your whole life for the one you love? Seriously? You will never think about the what ifs? What if a job opportunity is presented to you... one that you've been waiting for, the one that will seal the deal for your life. You'd turn it down? How about the rest of the people in your life, you've definitely been neglecting them. You're willing to do all that for love? You're willing to sacrifice your entire life to be the caretaker of the love of your life?

Sorry if my questions sound selfish to you, told you, I'm blunt like that.

Ok, how about we put it this way. If you're the unfortunate one. Sitting there in a wheelchair. Or hooked up to a life support machine. Would you want to watch the one you love, put a halt to everything in his/her life and sit by you? Taking care of you? Your life may be ruined, but would it make you feel any better to watch someone whom you believe in so much, sacrifice his/her life for you?

Tough choice isn't it.

So the next time you profess your undying love, or promise the world to someone, think again. Becareful with your words. This ain't a no brainer. You gotta weigh out every single gram.

P/S: If anything happened to me, I'd just want my loved ones to celebrate my life ONCE - at my funeral. And then move on. I don't want to be the reason for anyone to hold on to the past. Look ahead! :)

P/S/S: If I just messed up your mind with this post, and got you thinking too much about life, my apologies. But hey, welcome to my world - where I sometimes slice and dice a bit too much ;)

22 Jan

2011-01-24T01:57:00.000+08:00

3 years and 1 day ago, I reluctantly went to this place.. on a weekday night... Thaipusam public holiday.

I laid my eyes on this precious jewel, and a very soft voice in me told myself - I'm gonna get that and it's gonna be mine for keeps. And so I did. Though soft and subtle, I can still hear that voice in me till today.

It's only logical that when you fight so hard for something, and go through all sorts of turbulence to have it, you will do just about everything to ensure its preciously yours always. And that's just me.
I may appear timid, alone, slightly less confident than the average jane. But its only because I've built my walls so high and so strong and so concrete, that you hardly notice the fire burning in me.

As you can see, this is a 'mesh up of emotions'. But once again, that's just me :)
Too many things going on in my head, hard to focus and blog about one of it. So this is a big jumbo jumble!

On another note, (though similar in wavelength) I've decided to go against the purpose of facebook. I'm at the stage that I don't mind deleting my account, but the only thing that's stopping me is Farmville! hehe.
Instead, I've done some major changes to my privacy settings. So don't feel offended or surprised when you see my nonexistant wall, photos, etc. I'm still there and I still believe it's a great social networking tool. Just not when my privacy is threatened. So I've restricted practically everything from everyone. I'm not cutting off anyone, you can still msg me and poke me and I'll definitely keep in touch when you do - if you matter :)

Soon, these privacy settings will also take over my blog. I'm thinking of password protecting everything, which I will willingly give to those who request. So I know who's reading my posts.

Slowly but surely.

I know you read my blog, so this one is for you.

2011-01-23T00:58:00.000+08:00

I wish I didn't have to do this publicly, but you've left me with no choice. I tried to tell you over the phone, and I thought I got the message across when I told you to stop it for the sake of the one that loves you. Coz she sure as hell won't be happy about your drunk dialling antics. Unfortunately, the same drama happened the following night. So here I am, telling you politely for the last time.

It's been 3.5 years since we I decided that its time we called it quits. I had my reasons, which I told you then - and so I'm sure we got the closure we needed. Honestly, if you ask me what those reasons were, for the life of me, I can't remember. It's been that long and what we had is so insignificant compare to what I have now.

It's pretty simple math if you look at it. There was 'us'. Then there was no longer an 'us'. Then you re-found your someone. And I found my someone. Happy-ever-after, no?

There are some people who step into your life, and remain there. And there are some who don't. Circle of life. Yeah, sure, one can try to rekindle some sort of friendship again, but one should also know the limits and boundaries.Yeah sure we kept in touch on and off throughout the years. But take a look at it - did it mean much? Were we friends? Acquaintances?

Drunk dialling. Seriously? That's what you've resorted to?? It happened once - forgettable. Happened twice - forgivable. But over and over and over again?! Not even a month has passed in 2011 and you've drunk dialled me THRICE! I lost count of the ones that happened in the years before. Like I said, it's insignificant.

No offence meant by the repeated use of the word 'insignificant'. This 'insignificant' category is where I place things that don't mean much to me. And pretty much everything is in that category, except my loved ones, my close friends and family, my job, and everything that plays an important role in my life and my future. Loved ones - lets take a look at that. I've told my boyfriend and my parents about this. Obviously they're not too happy. But I told them because they are that significant to me and I'm not gonna hide something insignificant from the significant people in my life as that's only bound to cause problems for me. My loved ones mean too much to let something like your drunk calls get in between us. So, I'm gonna repeat what I told you over the phone the other night. Stop this drunk dialling not because I told you to, or because I don't appreciate it. Stop it for the one who loves you. The one who trusts you. And the one who's with you RIGHT NOW. Look at it this way - isn't it silly to hide something insignificant from the one you claim to love with all your heart and claim to be so happy with??

We may not be friends anymore, but I respect you as a person and as a human being. If you have the least bit of dignity in you, and respect towards your relationship and your girlfriend, you would stop drunk dialling me.

Honestly, with all due respect, you're a nobody to me, and vice versa, so I don't think I should be wasting much time lecturing you, trying to put some sorta sense in you. The bottom line is, stop drunk dialling me. You wanna ruin your relationship and whatever trust that comes along with it, go find someone else to help you do that. Don't pull me into it.

I'm sorry if any of my words have offended, hurt or pissed you off. You should know the person I am. Straight forward, blunt and brutal.

Wish you all the best in life.

Day 11 of My 30 Day Blog Journal - A photo of you recently

2011-01-12T19:59:00.001+08:00

Ok, I'm gonna skip Day 10 because I simply DO NOT have a soft copy of a photo of myself taken 10 years ago.

Day 11 is pretty simple.. *quickly scoots off to Facebook to copy one from there*

This was taken @ Dave's place. Dave is the boyfriend by the way.

We had a BBQ with his family for New Year's eve. And we watched the fireworks from his gate at midnight. Yeap, we live in the city so we have a clear & close up view of the KL Twin Towers. It was awesome.

Now, for some photo-analysing.

1. Why do I look fat? - because I AM! :( Need to lose some weight and tone up
2. Why do I look like I have no neck? - because I'm slouching. Bad. Bad. Habit.
3. Why does myskin have a reddish tone? - because of my Chinese blood, one drop of alcohol will get me all flushed. All I had was One Hoegarden. One. One pussy drink. Urgh.
4. Why does the boyfriend look so good? Coz he's photogenic like that!!!

Kthxbai.

Another year has whizzed past...

2011-01-02T03:23:00.002+08:00

First of all, please accept my apologies for the sudden halt of the 30 Days Journal. The 10th day required a "photo taken 10 years ago", and right now, I don't quite have any with me.

But this post is in conjunction with the new year. 2011. I am not gonna rant about how time flies, as I think it's such a cliche expression already. What I am gonna do is share some of my best memories of 2010 and personally, I'm gonna have to start making some serious decisions and plans to take the next big step in my life.

2010 has been a heck of a year, a whirlwind, a rollercoaster. Like everyone else, I've had my ups and downs. I've gone from hot to cold and right back to hot again. I've cried till my tears dried up and laughed till my tummy ached. I've made friends, and unfortunately made more enemies. I lost my grandmother... which till this very day, I secretly haven't gotten over... and it has also instilled a stronger fear of losing my remaining loved ones. On the other hand, I'm happy to say, I've built a stronger bond (which I hope to further strengthen) with my boyfriend's family - going for his family functions and being accepted as part of the family - something that didn't seem achievable a couple of years ago. The question of the big day has popped up a couple of times now already, which has led us to seriously put deeper thought into it.

Am I ready for the next big step in life? One part of me says no. But I believe that's just an excuse to not grow up. To deny responsibilities. The other part of me says bring it on. Though I know life's not a fairy tale, I'm willing to face the future. I may not know what the future holds but I'm staring straight at it - ready to catch the balls of fire thrown at me and throw it right back. I'm not gonna say for certain what or when the next step is... Que Sera Sera ;)

Ah well, enough of the rants... here's a pictorial recap of my 2010 :)

Our CNY outing - waterfall @ Ulu Yam

Chopped my hair off

Day 2 @ Rainforest World Music Festival (still quite well behaved)

Day 3 @ RWMF, we went wild!!

Making a wish @ St Francis Xavier's first tomb in Malacca

Met his dad's side of the family

Did my part in giving back to nature by replanting a mangrove seed

In our traditional outfits for a party themed Rock & Roll (somebody forgot to pass the msg!)

My Gaga-licious colleagues @ our Christmas party

Made my first ever fondant cupcakes

Doing my "duties" at Dave's Christmas party @ his residence...

Day 9 of My 30 Day Blog Journal

2010-11-07T21:14:00.000+08:00

A Photo I Took

I'm not a professional photographer, in fact, I wouldn't even call myself a photographer. I still haven't found the right skill to capture beautiful moments/scenes/pictures.
I do try hard tho :(

I use to have an awesome camera. Which got stolen. And when something is take away from me like that, I really stay away from purchasing another because I simply cannot imagine it being stolen again.
So I've been camera-less for a while.. till my lovely boyfriend got me a new one for my birthday this year :D

Me receiving my new Nikon Coolpix camera!!!

But here's a pic that I really like. Taken back in 2007. I followed my mum to a nursery... which is an absolutely suicidal thing for me to do since I don't really like buying plants or growing them. I do love flowers and nature but I think there's a possibility that I was born with the gift to kill them! So anyway, I decided to play around with my camera and took a pic of this pretty lil flower. Enjoy :)

Day 8 of My 30 Day Journal

2010-11-06T13:02:00.001+08:00

A Photo That Makes Me Angry/Sad

For obvious reasons, I don't have any photos that literally make me feel angry/sad - why would anyone want such a memory captured and be kept forever?! But what I do have are pics that sadden me because ... to a certain extent, I wish I could turn back time.

Grandma emo-ing @ my 21st birthday party

Of late, I've been missing my grandma alot. She passed on early this year at the age of 74. Though she lived a good 74 years, I thought she'd be around even longer for all the occasions to come. I imagined her to fight the death angel and live on for a long time.. to see us all get married and possibly see our kids too. Heck, she fought off breast cancer at the age of 70! For 23 years of my life, I took her for granted. I always imagined she'd be there at my wedding. Though I knew she was getting old and she was sickly, I never once thought she'd be gone so soon. Whenever I pictured my wedding, I saw her... right there, at the VIP table. More than my parents, I'd feel so blessed that she'd be there.

My grandmother.. with half of her grandchildren

I don't quite think I've come to terms with her death. I still subconciously think she's still around...

At one of my birthdays at home...

I miss her so much and wish she was still here. And I wish I spent more time with her. Listening to her stories. And telling her mine. She was always a good listener. And like most grandmas, she was the "make peace with the world" kind... always telling us, its okay, don't fight back... forgive them... let God take care of the rest. With all the family drama taking place now, I wish she was around to convince me (and them) that blood is thicker than water. Also, this Christmas will be the first of many that we won't have a 'central home' to gather at. It was always the perfect family get-togethers. Amidst all the drama and family members who aren't even talking to each other, we still use to gather at her place. No more of that will ever happen, that's for sure.

Back in 2006. We bumped into one of her favourite Indian movie actors at the airport.
Boy, was she thrilled!! She was smiling and blushing like a teenager! lol...

I just got back from the cemetery. I just stood still there, staring at hers & grandpa's tombstone. My grandpa passed on 10 years ago. And truth be told, I haven't even come to terms with his death, so what more my grandma's..

To all of you out there who still have your grandparents around, I envy you! And I hope by reading my story, you come to realize that more than your parents, these old folks aren't gonna be around for long. Cherish every moment. Don't be like me, who lived as though they'd always be around. Coz it will hurt bad when they're gone..

My favourite pic of grandma.. with all 8 of her grandchildren :)

Day 7 of My 30 Day Blog Journal

2010-11-05T14:01:00.003+08:00

A Photo That Makes You Happy

Oh there's more than just one :)

Hope you enjoy my pictorial post!

p/s: I've added pics to the previous post too!

June 2007: The smiles say it all

July 2007: The days we use to party like there's no tomorrow

Christmas 2009, Port Dickson : Me & a retro beach ball :)

My 21st birthday party, 2007 : dancing with my godbrother

June 2009 - Our first beach holiday together @ Langkawi Island

Day 6 of My 30 Day Blog Journal

2010-11-02T23:52:00.002+08:00

20 of My Favourite Things

*starts humming "My Favourite Things" for inspiration*

Note #1 - I'm gonna cheat and change it to 10. 20 is too much for my tired brain right now.

Note #2 - The angle I'm gonna be using here is 10 of MY favourite things, as in the things that I already have & enjoy / is accessible for me to enjoy. Simply because I think I have made too many 'wishlists' already, so it's time to get real and count my blessings :)

1. My parents

With my parents on my 21st birthday

5 years of living away from them has taught me alot. And now, that we're back under the same roof, I appreciate them soooo much! Their presence and the things they do simply make our house a home.

2. My boyfriend

Yes yes, you may roll your eyes.

err, ok, this doesn't exactly spell "lovey-dovey"

this is us... on most days..hehe :)

3 years and counting. Up in the sky, flat on the ground and floating midway. That's where we have been together. For those of you who know the story, it was never your typical perfect fairytale. It wasn't easy. Forbidden love never is. But that's what makes it so special.

3. My car

as much of a junk as it is, with the paint wearing off, I seriously love my car to death & will not be able to live long without it.

4. My mascara

It's a freakin magic wand. It never fails to amaze me, what a single sweep of mascara on my lashes can do

5. Rabbit, my rabbit (no thats not a repetition, my rabbit's name is Rabbit)

Though it murdered its brother, and though my dad feeds it most of the time, I still love it so much

6. Raul, my boyfriend's dog

this is him a few years ago.. poster puppy

look what a big boy he's grown into!!

Though it's technically not mine, but I've grown to love him so much, like he's mine. But it still reminds me of a white tiger...

7. Mum's cooking

I know this is something everyone says about their mum, but I'm just gonna go ahead and say it - she's the best cook in the world! Chinese, Indian, Western, Cakes & Cookies, you name it, she'll cook up a storm!

8. The month of October

Simply because I was born in October, and my birthday celebration lasts throughout the month :)

9. Chocolate ice-cream

ice cream man!!

Be it Haagen Dazs or Baskin-Robbins or the cheapo ice cream that the old man sells from a bike/van, my first choice of flavour will always be chocolate.

10. Tall No-whip Espresso Frapuccino

Heavenly Starbucks. Need I say more?

Day 5 of My 30 Day Blog Journal

2010-11-01T11:14:00.001+08:00

My Favourite Quote

Gosh. Another tough cookie.

*thinks*

OH!

It's got to be this:
"Procrastination is like masturbation. It feels good, till you realise you're only fucking yourself"

Have a good week ahead everyone! :)

Day 4 of My 30 Day Blog Journal

2010-10-30T16:09:00.000+08:00

My Favourite Book

My idea of a perfect Sunday afternoon is me lying on my couch, with a book. Immersing myself in the characters, their journey, shedding a tear when it comes to the sad bits and smiling at the happy things. Remembering the simple quotes. And finally, the contentment of finishing the book and closing it, is indescribable.

Unfortunately, it has been ages since I've actually found the time to pamper myself like that. As much as I still list reading as one of my favourite past times, I can't even remember the last book I read. With the collection of books in my office library which I'm allowed to borrow, I keep telling myself to at least tackle 1 book every 2 weeks. Alas, there are many things which I "keep telling myself" to do but never get around to doing it.

My favourite author is Nicholas Sparks. Love his touching, romantic, stories. If you've not heard of Nicholas Sparks, then you must have at least watched the movie Notebook or A Walk to Remember - both of which are adaptations of his work. There are many of his books which I've heard so much of, yet never got around to actually reading it. Even recently, my boss (who sweetly remembered that I mentioned Sparks as my favourite author during my interview), highly recommended me to read his latest book. I really want to, because I know him well enough to know that his books are really worth reading.

Anyway, back to the point, my favourite book is A Bend in The Road by Nicholas Sparks.

The original design of the cover

I'm really bad at summarising things (yeah, I'm long-winded like that), so I shall quote a summary from allreaders.com:

"Miles Ryan thought he would dies of a broken heart when his beloved wife Missy died in a hit-and-run accident. Missy had been his first love, and Miles fervently believes she will be his last. As a deputy sheriff in the North Carolina town of New Bern, Miles Ryan not only grieves for Missy, but he wants to bring this unknown driver to justice.

Then Miles meets Sarah Andrews, his son Jonah's second grade teacher. Sarah had left Baltimore to start her life anew after a bitter divorce. Perhaps it is her own emotional wounds that make her sensitive to the hurt she first sees in Jonah's eyes, and then his father's. Tentatively, Sarah and Miles reach out to each other. Soon they are both laughing for the first time in years, and also falling in love.

Neither will be able to guess how closely linked they are to a shocking secret-one that will force them to question everything they ever believed in. As a result of this secret, a heartbreaking choice will have to be made that changes their lives forever."

Very sad, yet touching. Another thing I love is that throughout the book, there are 2 point of views. One of a third person, and the other is the driver who killed Miles Ryan's wife. Its always nice to read points of view of both the victim and the perpetrator.

Get your hands on this book! Or any of Nicholas Sparks' books.
Highly recommended by yours truly :)

The cover design of my copy

p/s: I just remembered, my landlady borrowed my copy of A Bend in The Road about 5 years ago and never returned it to me! Hmpf.

Day 3 of My 30 Day Blog Journal

2010-10-29T20:24:00.000+08:00

My Favourite Television Program

All time favourite, hands down, is FRIENDS! The box set of all ten seasons has been in my wishlist since forever, however, that wish has yet to be fulfilled.

P/S: Today has been madness, so much apologies for this uber short post :)

Day 2 of My 30 Day Blog Journal

2010-10-28T11:06:00.002+08:00

My Favourite Movie

As predicted, this first few days are gonna be tough. It's like quitting smoking - an uphill battle initially but I know, it will be easier as I get the hang of it.

So here we are, at another 'favourite'. This one is a tad bit easier than the favourite song. Then again, its complicated. There are so many genres of movies, so I surely can't say a sci-fi movie is better than a romantic comedy now can I?

Ok, I shall try to narrow it down. I like movies that are funny, romantic, touching.. hey, I am afterall a girl who grew up reading fairytales! Over the past 3 years, kudos to the boyfriend who has managed to ~~drag~~ convince me to watch some action flicks which I must say, 99% of em were movies that I enjoyed.

Alright, alright, I shall get to the point now.

*drumroll*

For the feminist in me, I'd say Erin Brokovich.

Its inspiring, its funny, its real (true story in fact). Its basically about an unemployed single mother who becomes a legal assistant and almost single-handedly brings down a California power company accused of polluting a city's water supply.

Why this movie? I love how the main character is portrayed. Sexy yet not a pushover, witty yet not one you can fool, lack of knowledge yet willing to work hard to learn.

Just gotta love how she gave the dude her number:

Erin Brockovich: Oh, I got numbers comin' outta my ears. For instance: ten.

George: Ten?

Erin Brockovich: Yeah. That's how many months old my baby girl is.

George: You got a little girl?

Erin Brockovich: Yeah. Yeah, sexy, huh? How 'bout this for a number? Six. That's how old my other daughter is, eight is the age of my son, two is how many times I've been married -- and divorced; sixteen is the number of dollars I have in my bank account. 850-3943. That's my phone number, and with all the numbers I gave you, I'm guessing zero is the number of times you're gonna call it.

LOL

Also love the way she uses her sexuality without actually exploiting herself...

at the same time, she also has real funny comebacks for those who think she's slutty:

Kurt Potter: Wha... how did you do this?
Erin Brockovich: Well, um, seeing as how I have no brains or legal expertise, and Ed here was losing all faith in the system, am I right?

Ed Masry: Oh, yeah, completely. No faith, no faith...

Erin Brockovich: I just went out there and performed sexual favors. Six hundred and thirty-four blow jobs in five days... I'm really quite tired.

and...

Ed Masry: What makes you think you can just walk in there and take whatever you want?

Erin Brockovich: They're called boobs, Ed.

This is one movie I have watched a million times and can sit through another million screenings of it :)

That's all for now folks! Tune in tomorrow!

Over & Out! (for today)

Day 1 of My 30 Day Blog Journal

2010-10-27T04:02:00.003+08:00

My Favourite Song

Oh how I dread the 'whats your favourite' question. If you've been following, you'd know what an indecisive person I am. If you are new, then you can click here to read about my indecisiveness :)

Well, I don't really have a favourite of anything. Or rather it changes all the time. Almost every other day, I have a favourite song. Songs that catch my attention are the ones with great words. Words that I can connect to. Words that I've been searching for all this while. And right now, there are many of such songs that would make it to my play list. From the top of my head, I would say Taylor Swift's Love Story, Eminem & Rihanna's Love the Way You Lie, Bruno Mars' Just The Way You Are, Train's If It's Love... and the list goes on.

What I can put my finger on is my first favourite song. For most of my childhood, MLTR was one of my favourite bands. I use to sing along to The Actor, 25 Minutes, Paint My Love and Sleeping Child to name a few. But I clearly remember The Actor being my first ever favourite song. Though at that time, I probably barely knew what it meant. Ah, don't we all miss those innocent carefree days :)

Check out these MLTR/Actor trivia that I managed to pick out from Wikipedia...

MLTR was formed in 1988 (I was till trotting around in my diapers then!)
Their founder/lead singer/song writer Jascha Ritcher admitted that the band was named after Michael Jackson!
'The Actor' was a single from their first album way back in 1991 and became an instant hit Norway, Sweden, Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore & Philippines

What better way to end this post than the chorus from The Actor ;)

I’m not an actor I’m not a star

And I don’t even have my own car

But I’m hoping so much you’ll stay

That you will love me anyway

My apologies

2010-10-26T16:02:00.001+08:00

Ok, I've been a bad, bad blogger! Apologies for the lack of posts & pictures, but good news is, I've found a great way to make it up to the blog gods.

My Penance

Not sure who started it, but I think its a great way for lazy bloggers (me) to make a come back in the blogging world. Basically, for the next 30 days (starting today!!!), I will be blogging with the guidance of this journal topics:

Day 1 - Your Favorite Song
Day 2 - Your Favorite Movie
Day 3 - Your Favorite Television Program
Day 4 - Your Favorite Book
Day 5 - Your Favorite Quote
Day 6 - 20 of my favorite things
Day 7 - A photo that makes you happy
Day 8 - A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 - A photo you took
Day 10 - A photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 - A photo of you recently
Day 12 - Something you are OCD about
Day 13 - A fictional book
Day 14 - A non-fictional book
Day 15 - your dream house
Day 16 - A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - An art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 - My wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - A talent of yours
Day 20 - A hobby of yours
Day 21 - A recipe
Day 22 - A website
Day 23 - A YouTube video
Day 24 - Where I live
Day 25 - Your day, in great detail
Day 26 - Your week, in great detail
Day 27 - My worst habit
Day 28 - Whats in my handbag/purse
Day 29 - Hopes,Dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - A dream for the future

I'm excited already! Hope you are too! If you have a blog, hop on this bandwagon and leave a comment, I'll check it out :)

Looking forward to this so much!!

P/S: And all this girl needed was a lil motivation ;)

Yes, my birthdays last more than a day

2010-10-17T16:31:00.001+08:00

continued from previous post..

- Went for a super romantic dinner at Tamarind Springs
- Had banana leaf lunch, went shopping and had RM10 beer with my cousin
- Another round of drinks with Smellisa @ Sutra.. hehe
- 2D1N stay at Golden Palm Tree Resort (though this was for work, it worked well as my birthday getaway, especially the spa that I badly needed!)
- Weekend trip to Melaka

buRFday!

2010-10-05T23:11:00.000+08:00

Episode 1: Got an early birthday gift from the boyfriend - a digital camera!
Episode 2: Had the whole teaching practical class sing Happy Birthday to me
Episode 3: Indulged in yummilicious crabs with Mama & Papa
Episode 4: Received loads of wishes via sms, calls, facebook
Episode 5: Had my colleagues sing Happy Birthday to me!
Episode 6: Another dinner with parents in Secret Recipe

That's the updates as of now :)

More to come...

My checklist

2010-09-23T20:50:00.000+08:00

How to know if you truly love your job?

You wake up and "#%$&" is not the first word you say. check
You don't hit the snooze button anymore. In fact, you literally spring out of bed with a half smile. check
You look forward to Mondays. check
You willingly go early/stay back/go through any hassle in the name of work. check
You keep thinking, I can't believe I got this job (with a smile on your face). check
You don't feel like smacking your colleagues. check
You actually enjoy their company. check
You don't wish your boss would disappear. check
You actually like her being around. check
You willingly make the effort to learn more about your work. check
Your job involves test driving cars every month and going "shopping". check

Since the 1st of Sept, there's not a day that passes by without me thinking to myself, this is what it must feel like to love your job.

Having this job is a blessing that I can't never thank God enough for.
On top of a cool job with a cool magazine, I have cool colleagues, a cool boss, cool tasks..and the list goes on.
Damn, I'm living the "super-cool" life :)

TACT much?!

2010-09-19T02:24:00.000+08:00

It has come to my attention recently that more and more people are showing signs & symptoms of TIOL - Tactless Idiot On the Loose. Here are some examples of the most ridiculous things people can actually say/ask out loud: (real-life situations mind you)

Starbucks Barista to customer:
"You look really tired".
Sounds harmless? NO-NO! (by which I mean, it's a BIG no-no)! Especially when talking to a customer! Or a client. Or your boss. Or anyone whom you should be tactful with. There are a million ways to strike up a conversation or show your concern but making a negative comment on one's appearance isn't one of them.

Intern to lady boss:
"You can't be ... older than 40 right??"
There is simply NO polite way to guess someone's age. Period.

Old lady to her granchild's maid:
"You jaga dia ah, saya mau pergi kencing!"
**translates to : Keep an eye on him, I'm going to urinate"
Ok fine, it's an old lady saying this & hence it could be excused. But I've heard young, corporate-ish, educated people describe their toilet visits in detail. Piss, pee, shit, puke, vomit. Urgh. The rest of the world does not need to know your bodily.. erm.. secretion methods. Try using words like washroom, toilet, ladies, gents, etc..

Lady to mother of 5 month old kid:
Oh, your baby looks so much bigger and better now. Not scrawny anymore.
Do I even need to elaborate on this?! Even if someone's kid has one arm or an extra toe, the kid is still human, and more than that it's someone's precious child. Save your unpleasant comments.

Almost every day I experience, come across or hear of these ignorant people and the absurd things they have to say. In my humble opinion, to be safe & tactful, don't say anything unless you got something nice to say. Nasty, irrelevant comments not only make you look like an idiot, they also can hurt the feelings of others.

Care to share any tactless / absurd comments you've heard lately?

A visual on my cubicle :)

2010-09-15T14:19:00.002+08:00

In case I haven't mentioned, I got a new job (yes another one) and I started on the 1st of Sept. For the first time in a long time, I actually already feel like its gonna be long term (touch wood).

I'm working with a magazine! :) :) :)
It's been officially 2 weeks today, and I'm lovin' it!!!

Shall definitely be blogging more about work. And lemme start with my sweet lil corner.

I finally sorted out my cubicle yesterday. There's just so much stuff here which I need (issues of our magazine from 2002!!). Yeah, coz I need to refer to it that often. So I couldn't 'clear up' much, but at least I got to rearrange things to my convenience. Also took down random stuff pasted on my cubicle walls by previous occupant (no offence, Ain!). Then spent the second half of the day wondering what should go up there now. I don't have much work stuff (yet) to pin up, so my choices are plenty. From photos, to random quotes (ah, now I know what to do with those Yasmin Ahmad quotes postcards!).

I shall update with pics once I've truly beautified my cubicle.. but till then, let me try to paint a picture with words :)

First Impression:
So my cubicle walls are pink.. the sweet-girly-but-bold pink. On my left are our magazine issues from 2006 till the most recent one. I moved the phone and pen holder to my right, coz I prefer it that way. Calendar too. I'm a right-hander - whaddya expect.

Hidden Treasures:
Yeap, it's all under my desk! Issues dating back to 2002, paperbags, gift boxes, freebiesfreebiesfreebies, archive files. Hard to believe that there's so much down there yet there's more than enough room for me to stretch my legs.

The 'Irrelevants' - you know, like The Expendables :P :
My desk also has a quite a number non-work-related stuff (yes, I'm a typical girl):

1) Vaseline Moisturizing Lotion - coz I've become real anal about dry skin, especially on my hands & elbows.
2) A blue starfish ornament on my PC - coz I simply must have a reminder of beaches
3) My bottle umbrella - coz it's pretty & deserves to be displayed
4) Handmade Tribal necklace - coz I had to come up with something for my craft column.
5) Kleenex Facial Blotters - coz my super oily skin is a bitch like that. Oh and yes, Kleenex has come up with facial blotters and they're not too bad.

Walls of Pamella
Nothing much has been put up on my cubicle walls as of yet, besides the standard phone extensions list. Lets just say, 'This section is still under construction'.

Promise to put up pics real soon! (Yeah, I realize how my blog is less interesting coz it's picture-less)

Till then, tata!

Death leaves a pain no one can heal, but Love leaves a memory no one can steal...

2010-09-09T21:23:00.000+08:00

Another one of my friends passed away last Sunday due to a long term illness he had been suffering from. I've lost count of the number of my friends who have passed on. Maybe I just stopped keeping count. Every time it happens, I'm puzzled and disturbed. I'm 24. So are these people... some even younger.. this isn't the age for me to be attending my friends' funerals. I thought it was something that happens to you when you're 60 or even older.

It's really upsetting. Be it someone I know, or once knew, or once was acquainted with. People from school, from my childhood, from my college, from a few years ago. It's honestly very disturbing and my heart goes out to their families and loved ones. I cannot begin to imagine the pain and loss that they are experiencing. I can only pray that God will console them and bless them with the serenity and courage to continue living their lives with beautiful memories of the ones they have lost.

To me, learning about someone's death or experiencing the loss of a loved one is really a wake up call to me.

A realisation that life is so short, and we never know when our calling will be.
So the best we can do is to live life as if everyday is our last.

A reminder that we also don't know when we might lose our loved ones.
So we should never fail to let them know how we feel about them and appreciate them.

A call for precautions. Diseases, accidents, murder - it can happen to anyone, anywhere & anytime.
So take that blood test, stay healthy, drive safe, always be cautious. Preventive is better than cure.

May the souls of all the departed rest in peace... and may the rest of us, continue to live life to the fullest.

God bless.

Time Management

2010-09-07T17:39:00.000+08:00

I'm taking a break from doing my research at work. Just stared into space for a while (2 mins only, boss!) and I thought about my day yesterday.

I had to meet two friends of mine for dinner. This is how the plan was made...

One of them texts me in the morning suggesting to meet up "near my place" for dinner. I reply and tell him to count me. I also ask what time will we meet and where exactly.
No reply.

I was uber busy at work, so I didn't text or call anymore till I got off work. After work, I rang the other friend (I figured the one who texted me was too busy to reply) ans apparently it was all confirmed - we were suppose to meet at 9. Which was ideal, as it was already 7, and I'd reach home in an hour (thanks to the rain & heavy traffic). Then I can take my shower and laze around abit before heading out again. I reached home and took my own sweet time, basically winding down after a busy day. Just before I headed to the shower, my phone rang. It was one of them, asking to meet half an hour earlier than we were supposed to. Which was like in 30 mins time!

It was a slight rush, but I made it there in time. Only to have them turn up 20 mins late.

My point here is.... no, my friends are not idiots, they're nice people!

But what's with us and our time management? I have to admit, I'm guily of it too. Most of the time. Especially in the mornings. And as much as I hate rushing to get ready, I still laze around till the very last minute. I keep thinking, there's still time... there's still time... there's still time... OH SHIT I'M LATE!

In other words, I'm a procrastinator!!

Recently though, I've tried to change my ways... and I think I'm going good so far..

Ooops.. gotta cut this short, got a dinner date tonight and I want to leave early :)

A short one..

2010-08-31T17:14:00.000+08:00

It's Malaysia's 53rd Independance Day today.

And 90% of the status updates by my friends in Facebook are so negative!

Why?!

We complain about everything possible in this country every other day. Why choose today to summarize how negative the situation is. Its these thoughts and feelings that make this place worse than it is.

Racism. Corruption. Heck, even the weather! There's always something to complain about.

Many fail to realise that the grass is always greener on the other side. They think its better to live anywhere but here. Hey, come on, look at the brighter side - the good food, the little bit of harmony left amongst us, the calm & peaceful environment, the abundent greenery, rain & sun...

Give Malaysia a break people. Don't like how things are going? Strive for better. You can make a difference.

Selamat Hari Merdeka people..

So it's been a while...

2010-07-30T04:01:00.000+08:00

I keep telling myself to blog not only when I'm sad/emotional/angry, but when I'm happy. I want to look back at my blog one day and smile to myself. Many great moments of my life have not been penned down here or in my private journal. God forbid I get amnesia one day, I'll read this blog and think that I have a pathetic, sad life! Anyhooooo.... this isn't a 'negative' post. Just my thoughts :)

As much as one says they don't care what the world thinks of them, or rather what "people might say", there's still that fear in us. That disturbing feeling of being judged. I myself have said that a million times - to hell with these judgemental people, I don't care, I'm just gonna be myself! Well, that 'myself' doesn't quite last for very long. But it's natural isn't it? We need society. We are society. And to a certain extent, we will try to please society. Of course, some go the unnecessary extra mile. Some care less than they should. But who's to say what's the limit? Who's to say its okay to walk out of your house in mismatched outfits and hold your head up high while doing it? Who's to say it's not okay to shave half your head bald and dye the other half pink?

I think there's no clear line. But there is a huge difference between a people pleaser and a erm.. people fearer (sorry, I couldn't find the right word). Let me explain. The people pleaser would be like Charlotte from SATC or Bree from Desperate Housewives. Always smiling, always polite, always thinking the best about everyone around them. The people fearer would be... me.

Yes, I'm coming out of the closet. I'm way too conscious about every. single. thing. I always have this feeling that I'm being judged. Of course, no thanks to the bitches & bastards who have judged me all my life. But I'm not here to completely blame them. This is like a psychological disorder (something that an unqualified self proclaimed psychologist would 'diagnose' me with). Ok, that's another dramatic story. Sorry. Running off the line again :)

So back to what I was saying. I immerse myself, or rather drown myself in what ifs. My boyfriend tells me straight to my face that I'm being negative. And it sucks but he's right. Absolutely right. I keep thinking that ever single being there with two eyes, a nose and a mouth is judging me. Yes, even dogs sometimes. I know it's ridiculous, I mean, it can't be possible that every single person out there has time to sit and judge me. Or do they? See, I swing back and forth. Those bitches were right, I think too much.

If you got this far, then I must congratulate and thank you for your time spent reading my mess of a muse. My whole point is... Though I may walk tall, and smile, deep inside, I'm an insecure girl at times. Most of the time. And I'm trying to change that. I've got the basic needs of a girl. I've got enough love surrounding me to last a lifetime, I've got an amazing family, I've got a bright future waiting for me. I have to make a change. And I'm hoping that when that "one fine day" comes along, where I sit and read this post, I will realise that I have changed. I have grown up. And I will be reading this while smiling to myself and feeling proud that I've moved on :)

World Cup Fever

2010-07-01T11:08:00.002+08:00

My boyfriend is a hardcore Argentina supporter.. you know, that kind who believes he's suppose to be born in Buenos Aires and ideally as Diego Maradona's son. Hardcore is an understatement. Thus, I know where to hit him to hurt him the most - just kutuk Maradona..so easy.

My stand for the World Cup is - I'm just appreciating the beauty of the game la. No, not the handsome footballers (not that many this time anyway), but the game itself. Those who know me well enough, will know that I'm a football fan, die-hard supporter of Liverpool.. but when it comes to World Cup, I don't really have a team "to-die-for". Which is good in a way - ask me about any match and I will give you my humble opinion which is most importantly honest.

Eg: The disallowed England goal was unfair, but it wouldn't have made so big of a difference that they would've beaten the Germans, so the England fans should use the "fair play" approach when discussing this, and not the "we could've won" approach.

Anyway, as usual, I lari topic (running(?) away from the topic)..

I wanted to share something really funny.

Dave (my boyfriend) is all hyped up about Argentina and *knows* that they will win the World Cup. He thinks Maradona's presence is a sign, and that Messi will shine soon enough and that Maradona will prove everyone wrong. Just to annoy him, I occasionally try to burst his bubble, try to scare him about the next team they're meeting being so strong and steady, blablabla. He will give his cockiest response and ever so confidently say, wait and watch them lift the cup. I was impressed with his stand, he let nothing affect him.. until last night....

(all this is via SMS)

Me: B, I just read that there's an octopus that has correctly predicted World Cup results and it predicted that Argentina will lose to the Germans.

Dave: huh? octopus??

Me: Err. You know, that animal that lives in the sea and has 8 tentacles?

Dave: Ok. How does it predict the results?

Me: I don't know lah, I didn't read properly, but I saw a picture, with some countries flags beside it and it picked Argentina to lose.

Dave: Oh ok

*silence*

Dave: B, I'm actually very scared about the Germany match
(hahahahahha, this is like the ultimate ok!! His ego would NEVER allow him to say that!)

Me: (tries to be the supportive gf) Aww, don't be scared.. you said Arg was strong & consistent, and plus Maradona being there is a sign, so I'm sure it'll be alright.

Dave: But you said this octopus predicts everything accurately!!

Me: *burst out laughing*

It actually took an OCTOPUS to dim his hopes... hahaha...it cracks me up every time I think about it. Its so cute!!

**He rarely reads my blog, so I hope he doesn't read this.. :P

By the way, here's a link to the story if you're interested *click*

*Update #1

Just got a sms from him this morning:

"Podolski (a German striker) is injured"

(I thought, ah ok, his positivity is back, now I dont feel bad about tellin him about the octopus)

Few moments later, he sends another SMS

"That stupid octopus!!! I wish I could kill it!!!"

LOL.

*Update #2
He updates his FB status "I'm gonna kill that damned octopus"

Ok. I'm starting to feel really bad for tellin him bout the octie. It's REALLY affecting him!!

There's a Rapist That Got Away

2010-06-30T03:24:00.000+08:00

I grew up believing in true love and fairy tales. My idea of Love has always been that.. Love is suppose to be the simplest of emotions, the purest of feelings, the rainbow after the rain. When you're hurt, it's Love that always heals the pain. When you're sad, it's Love that puts a smile on your face. When you're down, it's Love that picks you up. Love is the glimmer of hope, the light at the end of the tunnel, the warmth, the hand to hold.

I'm sure most of you (esp the girls) grew up believing the same.

And then, whambamslamadamn, god forbid, one day you realise, someone had taken that Love and raped it! And now, it no longer portrays the innocence and magic that it used to. And then you feel like you've been raped. Maybe not literally, but emotionally. You feel naked and bare. Lost and lonely.

My point here is actually, would you teach your kids the wonders of fairytales? Would you teach them about the one true love? Would you lead them on to believing in Santa Claus? Or fairy godmothers?

Me - I rather not. It may bring about joy and imagination when they're kids. But one day, when they're 14 or 16 or 25. They may wake up feeling raped. And no, I refuse to let my babies go through that.

What's your take on this?

Little Stranger

2010-06-18T15:38:00.000+08:00

Dear Little Girl,

Each morning, it's only routine for me to fall into my usual daze in the 20 minute train ride to work. But just a couple of stops before I get off, you walk in. I notice you, but more than that, I'm alerted by watching the reaction of everyone else. It must feel really awkward to have people staring at you when they are usually oblivious to the others who walk in. Some are not even bothered to conceal their curious looks. Some do try, but can't seem to help study you, top to toe. The really inconsiderate ones even chuckle amongst themselves. If I were in your place, I would feel terrible too. I have thought about that thoroughly - if I were in your shoes, I'd feel completely awful!

It's no wonder that you always look so angry, grumbling to yourself and to those who ignorantly bump into you, causing you to lose balance because of your size. I often hear you grunting and sighing. I won't say I know how you feel, but I can imagine how terribly annoying, frustrating and upsetting it can get.

But hey girl, you know what I notice about you? I notice what a pretty face you have. Though I've not seen your smile, I know that smile of yours would brighten your face even more. I take note of your flawless skin and how you wear your eye make up. I like your long straight jet black hair. I admire the way you still make the effort to dress up - simple yet elegant.

I also notice you wear a work tag .. which means you have a job. I silently thank god that they are still employers who don't discriminate anymore. To me, you come across as an independent woman, and I just wish someone would tell you all this. I'm just a stranger and I already see so much in you. I hope that someone who knows you as a person, would remind you everyday that you're beautiful just as you are. Not lacking in any way at all. I pray that you realise how much your life is worth and how insignificant these disrespectful people are.

Little girl, don't waste your energy and spoil your mornings by letting these people get to you. Don't crinkle that forehead of yours and grunt at them. Be thankful for you're blessed in many ways. Smile. Look up. You may be little, but you probably can show them the true meaning of walking tall. God willing, one day they'll realise, little people are still people and not disabled in any way, simply born different.

Hang in there girl, and God bless you.

Love,
A Stranger in The Train...

Him & Me.

2010-06-14T22:24:00.005+08:00

There was a phase in my life when I use to be active where "church-ly" events were concerned. I use to get involved in youth camps, volunteer for activities, read for mass, sing in the choir, go for every other church's feast day, etc.

Then, for a few reasons (which is a whole different topic altogether), I had become "inactive" as some would say. I see it as, that was a phase in my life and I moved on from it. It was my calling then to serve in that manner and now, my relationship with God is from a different angle.

Many people have looked down, judged and had serious discussions about this. Only some had the balls to ask me about it to my face (respect you for that!). The rest just chose to assume that I had lost faith in God, or the religion.

The point of this entry is not to explain my relationship with God or the way I currently live my faith, coz with all due respect, I don't think it's anyone's business. My faith, my belief, my way of life, is between God and me. I respect those who live their faith dutifully and I respect those who choose to be free-thinkers. And with that respect I give, I only expect the same in return. Alas, the world is such that it's nowhere close to that. People judge, question, scrutinise, gossip, assume. (Funny thing is, the people who do it the most are the oh-so-righteous ones.. ah, the many ironies in life :)

I may not sing praises about God, or quote the bible in every other sentence, or go to church every Sunday for that matter. But like I said earlier, my faith is between God and me. I have my beliefs, and I will stick to that thank you very much. I'm not one to blindly follow man made rules, neither am I going to go against them. What I'm trying to say is, my faith is based on a personal relationship. Him and Me. Period. What goes on in that relationship, and the status of it, and the method, or the strength, that is for me and Him to know and to judge.

Just like everyone else, I'm a sinner. I will honestly say, I have broken more than 1 of the 10 commandments. Actually it could be a few more than that. Point is, it doesn't make me any more of a sinner than those who sit at the first pew in church every Sunday, or those who serve God and His people :)

The main inspiration of this entry is ... some of my recent doings (in the past couple of years), has made people judge me and magnify my sins and practically declared me a BIG sinner for breaking one of the commandments. All I have to say it, (with a smile) - Don't burden yourself by doing God's work of judging, I believe He's got it sorted out.

The End.

Post entry note: This entry is something that has been bottled up in me for quite some time BUT it is in no way directed to anyone in particular. I also not just speak for myself, but for all those who would prefer their relationship with God to be private.

There's always sunshine after the rain, heck there will even be a rainbow!

2010-05-26T14:21:00.003+08:00

Being the frequent drama queen that I am, I would describe today as one of the worst days of my life, and that my world is falling apart with no direction whatsoever.

But sometimes, you just need someone to put some sense in your head the right way..

You know who you are, you've managed to knock a lot of sense in my head today. I may not be blessed with an older sister, but I sure found one in you today. And I know I thanked you already, but it still ain't enough... What you said to me today made a difference and I hope you know that I truly appreciate it. I'm glad I met you - You're a blessing and thank you from the bottom of my heart... :)

I shall quote you here, coz when I'm feeling stupid & depressed one day, be it tomorrow or years down the road, I want to come back and read this and find the strength once again.

"no one died. save ur tears for a funeral of a loved one. dun simply waste ur tears"

"if the piece does not fit the puzzle....u either make it fit or find another piece or live ur life with a hole in the pic"

"Girl, there is a diff. btwn disappointment and depression, u can get disappointed , but it's silly to get depressed"

True Libran

2010-05-20T16:32:00.003+08:00

One of the Libran "qualities" I damn well know I possess in me is 'indecisiveness'.

I can't make up my mind about the simplest decisions. For example, I hate the question What To Eat. And many get annoyed by my "I don't know" answer. But it's true!! I really don't know. And living in a country known as the food haven, it's more like too much variety for me! I can't make up my mind. I wonder how 'normal' people do it. Does your stomach tell you what to say? As silly as it sounds, but I really wonder.

And that's just a tiny question. With X number of choices.
I don't even want to start on the more complicated questions in life which have infinite choices!!

Unfortunately for me and those who are in the same league, life is pretty much that isn't it? Making decisions.

Which road to take:

the road that leads to the wan tan mee shop or the road that leads to the nasi kandar shop;
the road that leads me to fly a 5 star airline or the road that leads me to a low cost carrier;
the road that leads me to my bed or the road that leads me to meet my school friend for a drink;
the road that leads me to buying a new phone or the road that leads me to stick with my nokia 3310 (that's right, I'm back to my ancient phone).

It's almost like I'm missing one of my senses. Its essential to make decisions almost every other minute and so just imagine the torture that I go through having to make those decisions.
The torment does not stop when the decision made, as afterwhich, I sit and ponder if it was the right decision, and I anticipate the results nervously - wondering : will I regret this?!?

Many have tried consoling me that its good to think things through like I do, and weighing out the pros & cons. But seriously. They have no idea.

Call me paranoid, call me psycho, I'm pretty used to that ;)

Pen it down..

2010-05-06T11:55:00.002+08:00

Since 4th of May, I've been given the privilige to do what I always wanted to try out professionally - writing. At work, I've been assigned to write articles for show daily. What show? MTA - a metaltech/machinery exhibition. Yes, boring articles about CNCs & RCs and so on. But I'm glad to have found out that though it's about boring topics, I can still find the words in me to flow out through my fingers as I type away. Maybe I should've done journalism, I wonder to myself at times. I know show dailies aren't the most challenging assignment in the broad world of journalism, but heck, it's a good try for an amatuer like me!

Here's how it works, for Day 1's show daily, I have to go on the eve of the show to interview the exhibitors. Ask them pretty standard questions like what are the products they wish to highlight, whom are they expecting, what is their company background, why are they here, etc. Then I run back to office and type away with my story adding in bombastic words to their much "short & sweet" replies to my questions. Then I hit the 'send' button and off it goes to the printers. Wait a while, (quite a while, until about 10pm) for the printers to come back with the draft of the daily, proof read it, make necessary amendments and shoot it back for printing.

Of course there are challenges for example exhibitors who refuse to cooperate/complain about everything/don't have time to be interviewed.

Ah well, I still enjoy it :)

The nation where we are encouraged to shut up or else everything will stop working!!!

2010-04-30T10:51:00.002+08:00

I try my best to keep away from blogging about politics as it is an extremely sensitive issue in this country. But sometimes, I can't help it. Especially when I hear/read about the darnest things!!!

Two quotes of his drew my attention and I have my two cents worth (in green).

About the rest, I shall let you draw your own conclusions at this display the level of pride in our national security.

IGP lashes out at critics

KUALA LUMPUR: Inspector-General of Police Tan Sri Musa Hassan has lashed out at those criticising the police force over the death of 15-year-old Aminulrasyid Amzah, saying he could call his men off the streets if that was what the people wanted.

“If you do not want the police to enforce the law, then say so,” he said.

“Let me know so that I can tell my men to not take any action, including conducting inspections on vehicles or arresting Mat Rempits who ride without licences.

**What is this? Childish isn't it?? Come on!! People will talk. You as the head of police, should explain and not "lash out" with remarks like that...geeez**

“But as police officers it is our responsibility to ensure the safety and security of the public which we would not compromise on,” he told reporters after launching a blood donation drive at the National Blood Bank in conjunction with the 203rd Police Day celebrations here yesterday.

He said this when asked about the statements made by various groups over the death of Aminulrasyid who was shot dead when he allegedly tried to reverse the car he was driving into policemen who had stopped the vehicle in Section 11 Shah Alam.

The incident happened at about 2am after he had allegedly sped off and run through several red lights before being stopped by patrol cars.

Musa added that he did not want to speculate what exactly transpired during the incident.

“It happened at 2am and the vehicle was driven suspiciously. My men had no way to know if the driver was an adult or not because it was dark.

“If you refuse to stop and try to drive your way through when an officer is trying to stop you, then that vehicle is considered a weapon because it poses a danger to the life of the enforcement officer,” he said.
***This sounds more like a solid explanation from an Inspector-General!! *clap* (that's right, one clap)***

Musa asked why a person would want to run away from the police when ordered to stop.

“Running away from the police will create suspicion and as law enforcers, we must ascertain why this person is running away from us,” he said.

He reiterated that investigations into the matter will be conducted in a fair and transparent manner without fear or favour.

More than 1,000 police officers and General Operations Force personnel from the Klang Valley took part in blood donation drive.

A senator, meanwhile, has called on the Government to set up an independent inquiry on Aminulrasyid’s shooting.

Dr S. Ramakrishnan, from DAP, said police officers must be more cautious when it comes to shooting suspects.

“It’s important that the decision to shoot shouldn’t be made unless the police officers are sure that they are shooting at a criminal,” he told reporters at the Parliament lobby yesterday.

An online news portal yesterday reported that Aminulrasyid’s friend who fled the scene after the fatal shooting has sought forgiveness from his mother Norsiah Mohamad, 60, for not being able to help him.

She said that the boy was Aminulrasyid’s close friend and that he was also close to his family.

She also said that she did not want the boy to be disturbed as he is now a witness in the case.

Holidayyy!~

2010-04-28T13:06:00.003+08:00

I am totally looking forward to my 2 holidays this year!

The first one will be to Kuching, Sarawak for the Rainforest Music Festival in July. We planned our trip around this music fest. And I mean, literally around it. We got the air tickets, booked our rooms, got a "Kuching city Guide". Everything except the tickets for the fest itself! Haha. And now we're kinda undecided if we should indeed go for the fest or if we should just do the many other stuff available there.

The second one is kind of a surprise in its own way. Sydney, here I come !!! Woooo..
The plan was initially Sydney 2011, but due to fortunate circumstances, we've managed to fastforward it and so it's now Sydney 2010!

Here's a rough itenary of what I might be covering in Sydney, so if anyone out there (maybe from Sydney itself?) has any better ideas or suggestions, please do share it with me! :)

Bondi Beach

Blue Mountains

Palm Beach

Northern Beaches of Sydney

Manly Beach

Star City Casino

Junk food

Dee Why Beach is 20 minutes walk

Wine tasting

Paddy’s market

Queen Victoria Building

St Mary’s Cathedral

Botanical Gardens

Scenic ferry ride back to Manly

Nice Red and White Wines and Champagnes

I can't wait!! July & October, please come ASAP!

Jitters for the Joy

2010-04-01T09:03:00.003+08:00

Have you ever felt afraid to be happy? As stupid as it sounds, I personally am in that stage in life and happen to know many people who feel this way.

You may have your reasons, they may be the same, maybe not.. therefore, I hereforth speak for myself.

I've identified this 'condition' of mine quite a while back. But it took me sometime to figure out why I feel this way. Everyone wants to be happy, you work to be happy, you shop to be happy, and no one in the right mind would do something to make themselves unhappy.
So why would someone in the right mind.. (yes, I'm assuming I'm in the right state of mind) would be afraid of being happy?? Afraid of something I want to be. Why?

Simply because, I've been happy. And then it has been snatched away from me. I've floated on cloud nine and then plunged down the ravine of sorrow. I've anticipated joy only to be slapped by disappointment. I've hoped and I've had faith and I've been let down.

So the conditioning of these many situations I've been in, have instilled the fear in me.

Here's a metaphor.

You've been poor all your life and thus have been eating porridge/soup for every meal. No problem. But let's say you've been particularly wealthy, and suddenly due to some ~~stupidity~~ unfortunate incident, you became poor and had to eat porridge. Won't that be depressing?! Because you've tasted luxurious food before!!!

So yeah, I've 'tasted' happiness before. Of course in a way, I'm happy to have had that experience. But to know what happiness feels like, makes the not so good moment worse than it really is.

It's pathetic and truly sad that one is afraid of being happy. It's not something I choose to feel, but rather I've been conditioned to feel this way. And I'm sure we all know, that to break away from the norm and to go against the conditioned state, is not as easy. But of course, I will try.

P/S: Yes, I'm a pessimist :)

BusyBee

2010-03-25T15:56:00.001+08:00

Been extremely busy for the past week or two, hence the lack of updates.

Got a new job..yes, a new one.. I think I might have jinxed it when I said how much I loved my job. It sucked big time. Now I've been requested by one of my previous employers to join them on a contract basis for a major prject - the same one I've worked with them for before. Reminds me why we gotta always leave a company with a good name, as you never know when they might need you & call you back (with a better $$ offer of course!)

On top of that, I'm shifting... nearer to KL (Kuala Lumpur) town, as my dad got a new job right smack in town and so it's more cost-effective to live there. I can't wait to move there!! (though right now, the exhaustion is overpowering the excitement). I'm sick of living in an apartment, though it was once my dream. Why I can't wait to move to a landed property? No more elevator issues, I can wash my car (i love car washes ;)), if I leave something in my car, I can just walk out and take it instead of waiting for the stupid elevator! Ahh.. the perks of moving from an apartment to a double storey house!

That's just about the updates of my life.

About my personal life, which has been quite of a storm thanks to the interpersonal & intrapersonal conflicts. Well, a big thank you to those of you who have been keeping up with my rants and occasionally asking if I'm alright and things have been solved. To be honest, not everything has been solved - heck, life ain't perfect but its how we live through it that matters, right? :)

Cheers all, have a great day.

P/S: More updates about work soon!

Word of the Day : Overwhelmed

2010-03-16T22:56:00.002+08:00

This blog has always been my space to vent out my frustrations & sometimes, jot down something I'd like to remember.

It has been an on & off thing, mostly updated when I'm emotional, hehe.

I never bothered with the comment moderation settings, neither did I bother checking my comments on my post. I know a handful of people who read my blog - coz they tell me they do. My friends, mostly.

But today, something made me check the comments section and I was shocked to find so many comments! Well, yeah, half were spam. But there were really nice comments too, from fellow bloggers. Surprise #2 - I checked my followers list - 29. Twenty. Nine. Followers. Only 2 were my friends. The rest were strangers from cyberspace.

Damn, I feel like a celebrity already! Hehe.. just kidding.

Truth be told, I'm honored that people are actually interested enough to click on the "follow this blog" button. Thank you all for you support! I promise to update more diligently ;)

Cheers!

As messed up as this post..

2010-02-23T12:40:00.002+08:00

Some decisions are so hard to make. Especially when you've done all you can, and you've run out of options. I'm mentally exhausted. I'm tired. The only thing that's happening is, I'm still breathing, my heart is still beating and the tears are still flowing.

I never expected it to turn out this way. I keep trying to reverse things. But it's not working. I keep dwelling in the past, hoping it would be like how it used to be, but in only makes me feel worst when I realize that it's not happening.

I guess, people change. Things happen that make them change. Some realize it, some don't. The changes may be for the better, but right now, the changes I'm aware of is for the worst.

Or maybe it could be for the better. I don't know.

I hardly know anything these days. My mind is too messed up to think anymore.

I know what I want, yet I can't have it.
So what's the point really?

Why I love my new job?

2010-02-04T21:15:00.002+08:00

1. I only work 5 days a week!!
2. Which means no more swapping shifts to attend my Saturday classes..
3. Which also means guaranteed weekends!
4. And I finish an hour earlier on Fridays!
5. There are sooooooooo many niceeeeee food stalls all around my office
6. Its in the vicinity of Central Market & Petaling Street (cheap shopping heaven!!)
7. I'm away from all type of hell holes when I'm at work!

And starting from Monday, I'll be going for training!!
Yippee~ Can't wait to be a newbie all over again!! :D

I've never been happier about my job in the past 2 years.

:)

*quickly touches wood*

Coz in this time of recession, we still need to look great :)

2010-01-25T12:02:00.001+08:00

To all my faithful readers (cheh macamlah ada banyak sangat),

If online shopping is your thing, or you would like to try it out with someone you trust (me), please check out my new blogshop : www.pretty-for-forty.blogspot.com

I've got some pretty clothes (dresses, tops, skirts) which will cost you nothing more than RM40.

So do check it out and feel free to drop me a mail / comment if you have any enquiries.

Thanks for your support! :)

A little too late? NEVER!

2010-01-18T13:45:00.002+08:00

Recently, things have taken a turn for the worst. 2010 hasn't exactly started on a sweet note. Found my rabbit dead on the morning of 2nd January, and from then, things have just happened one after another. Like that row of cards you arrange, and the minute one starts falling, the rest follow in accord.

I've made a lot of mistakes recently. Ran away from problems instead of facing it professionally. But that doesn't mean I too deserve to be treated unprofessionally. Two wrongs never make anything right. So now, today, is the day I shall began to stand up and face the music. I will correct my wrong doings as well as take steps to correct the wrong doings done unto me.

So, here's my post New Year resolution.
I shall not allow myself to be pushed around and stepped on.
I shall not run away from problems.
I shall stand up to everything and for everything.
I shall start building my future today and at this very second.

I have set 2 investment goals for myself this year and I shall achieve it by 31 Dec 2010. If I overspend now, I will face the consequences of starving myself towards the end of the year coz do or die, I WILL make those two investments.

I also want to go to Sydney in 2011. That too, requires some savings.

Enough with this financial turmoil! Thanks to a certain organisation who brought this turmoil unto me early this year, well, no worries, I shall correct it and hopefully in the process, make a fortune out of it.

No more worrying about who's feelings I'm going to hurt. Right now, all that matters to me is Me, Myself, I & my loved ones. To the rest, I'm sorry, all seats are taken. kthxbai.

Just for laughs

2010-01-05T17:47:00.003+08:00

It's nice to have random things / incidents that when you think about, it just makes you burst out in laughter or at least smile.

Right now, these are my random laughs:

1) How my grandmother refers to my cousin's girlfriend as Sunee-girl - her name is Suneetra and it's amazing how my grandmother can make Sunee girl sound so sweet when it actually does sound vulgar!!.

2) Raul's Emily Rose pose - yes, my boyfriend's dog can do a Emily Rose pose. Scary but hiliarious.

So if you see me randomly smiling to myself or bursting out into laughter, it's because I've learn to capture the moments that make me happy and replay it in my head when I need a break from misery! :)

The Queen's Thank You Speech

2009-12-31T16:54:00.002+08:00

Good day to one and all. It's the last day of 2-0-0-9. Supposedly a day of reflection of the year which has ended and a day to write down resolutions. But no, we're all busy planning where to party tonight.

But since I've managed to find some free time, I decided to blog today.

It's been hell of a year (just like every other year). Compared to 2008, my 2009 had settled down quite a bit and became more stable. The storm subsided and the building of my future began. Strengthened my relationship, got back on the right path to fulfilling my goals, had the best and worst of times at work, had my first ever official 'meet the parents' session. Friendships were strengthened, weakened, made and broken. That's how I would sum up 2009.

Now for my thank you list.

My mum.
the woman who has been there for me through the worst times.
the woman who stands strong even though she's breaking up inside.
the woman who taught me that the world is tough and harsh, and it's up to me how I wanna live up to it.
the woman who always stood by me - even when I was wrong
the woman who fought for me and with me.
the woman who will never ever ever turn her back against me.

May 2010 lighten your burden, and bring you all the joy in the world that you deserve.
Ma, I love you.

My dad.
the man who will never sit quietly.
the man who will beg borrow or steal for me.
the man who has worked so hard for the past 23 years.. and more.
the man who may seem so cold on the outside, but inside is a heart which so easily melts.
the man who built his hopes and dreams on me.
the man who will break the neck of those who hurt me.

May 2010 be the beginning of your retirement plan!
Pa, I love you.

The love of my life - Dev.
the man who came into my life like a tornado - sweeping me off my feet.
the man who tolerated me at my worst.
the man who loves me for who I am and for who I'm not.
the man who has gone through so much, yet can offer a shoulder to cry on.
the man who has been at the lowest point of his life and yet never gives up.
the man who tells me when I'm beautiful, and tells me when I have a zit.
the man who is my everything.

May 2010 be the turning point, the pedestal you will step on and the beginning of your success.
Baby, I love you.

To all my friends.
Near and far. Those who were once close. Those who are now close. Those who lost touch. Those who I see often. Those who at some point in my life, shared something with me.

We may stop talking at one point, and be best of friends the next minute.
We may have so much in common, and then suddenly find ourselves worlds apart.
We may have met and hit it off immediately, but then just faded off along with time.
We may have been close for all these years, or just seen each other once in 5 years.

The fact is, friendship is something that will never die. It's always there.
To be rekindled, to fade away, to be strengthened, to be shaken, to be tested, to be remembered.

May 2010 be a better year, a step ahead, a step forward, wherever you may be and wherever you're heading.
My dear friends, I love you.

To all my enemies.
You who hate me. You whom I hate.
You who bitch about me and whom I find a pleasure bitching about.
You who will step on my toes to get to a higher place, you whom I will stab to win the race.
You who have used every opportunity to bring me down and you whom I have tripped.
Let's face it, it's an animal kingdom out there. The survival of the fittest.
It's a fact - we need each other :)

May 2010 mark a new year of suspense and thrill for us.
To see if we'd change or always be enemies. Either way, it's gonna be exciting.
My enemies, I love you. More than anything! (coz I gotta keep you closer than friends)

To each and every one of you, have an awesome countdown, cheers to the year that's coming to an end, and cheers to the beginning of twenty ten!

xoxo

This is not Goodbye...

2009-12-20T14:33:00.002+08:00

The past month or so has sucked big time for me. It made me curse the hell outta 2009. But things are slowly falling into place.. *TOUCH WOOD*. And I'm liking where it is.. and where it seems to be going. Hopefully, by the grace of God, everything goes well.

Sometimes we tend to think of how our life sucks, and how our wounds take forever to heal, or how everything seems to be going against us.

I think it's because, being human, we fail to see the good in things. We fail to remember the day we had a good time. We fail to remember the day the pain went away. We fail to remember the day everything went well.

I've been a die hard "fml" fan. But now, I've taken a different perspective. I'm gonna count my blessings. I'm gonna remember the good times. I'm gonna blog more when I'm happy instead of my usual emo shit that I blog about. I'd like to call it a pre New Year resolution :)

Yes, my smile may sometimes be concealing a broken heart, or my laughter may be to silence my cries. But I'm gonna smile & laugh genuinely. Because I know I deserve to. I have the right to be happy. And I'm gonna use it. I'm not gonna look at it as hiding my pain anymore... but I'm gonna laugh and smile because it's so much more worth it being happy than dwelling in the pain. Even if the whole world is going against me, I'm still gonna smile.

It was never between me and the whole world anyway. It's my happiness and the happiness of the ones I love.

It's gonna be a heck of time towards the end of this year, family gatherings, Christmas, 'meeting the parents', family trip, and much more. 2009 is gonna end with a bang. And I'll make sure it's a good bang! Hehe.

Blessed Christmas to all and Cheers to an awesome 2009 & an even better 2010.

Signing off for 2009...

Cheers to all that we have lost, mistakes that we have made, everything has changed. Period.

2009-12-09T02:22:00.003+08:00

This was it. The night I had been expecting for some time now. And just as I thought I'd be okay before this night comes, it creeps up behind me and stabs me hard. Over and over again.

I finally broke down. I lay in bed, wide awake - though lacking one night's sleep (and counting), and I just cried. Yeah, this is where you rejoice for revenge has been done.

I just sobbed and sobbed into my pillow - I didn't want to hear myself cry.
The pain I was feeling as it is was unbearable...

My favorite line about slightly less than 2 years ago was "judge me not by the mistakes I've made, but judge me by the battles I've won". Tonight, my very own words seem to mock me. For the tears flowing tonight is purely a sign of failure. A failure to fulfill what I promised when I came up with that line. A failure to live up to the person I was. A failure to be happy. A failure to even look anyone straight in the eye. I have lost the greatest battle. The battle that meant the world to me. A battle I had thought I won, and so I laid back and soaked up the sun thinking I don't have to continue fighting the battle. Big mistake. I screwed up.

All the recent happenings, findings, actions, tough times:- I could still tolerate and put up a brave front.

But when I read those words and when I hear them quote you:

"She? Same old same old, slowly but surely.. I'm giving up hope"

and

"What makes you think she's a nice person??? She's not!!!"

I don't know if I'm alive anymore after hearing all that. All I can think of is, what did I ever do to you? And to that, I have the answer... I hurt you, I called you names, I had big fights with you, I lost my temper, I snapped, I pushed you away when you needed me, I closed my eyes and slept while you were hurting. Yes, I did all that.

But all our downfalls, our joy, our jokes, our pain, our hatred - I made sure I kept it between YOU and ME. And I can't imagine to what extent I would have to be hurt to actually go around spreading malicious stories about you to those who you just met or hardly even know. And to think you did that to me, just hurts. So bad.

It's embarrassing, it's degrading, it's fuckin painful. I just don't know where to put my face. Everytime I smile, they're gonna know there's evil behind it. Everytime you smile at me, they're gonna know you're faking it. Everytime I breathe, I breathe in the same air which they used to curse me for hurting YOU.

Yes, at the end of the day, I do realize that it was never between them and me anyway.
But to know that now, it IS that way, its unbelievable.

I may have said the worst things to you, I may have degraded you and insulted you right to your face. But when they talked about you like you were nothing, and said the slightest bad thing about you, or even the worst - I always had a comeback to that.

When they said you never moved anywhere in life, and just lived off the funds of others:
To that I said, he's got the most admirable goals which I strongly believe he's gonna achieve and he's gonna be someone real soon.

When they said you never changed your filthy ways:
To that I said, he's the nicest person I've ever known, he is just human who makes mistakes.

When they said you are the most selfish person around who's just out to seek your own fulfillment:
To that I said, he's the most selfless person and he puts his loved ones before him all the time.

When they told me to think a million times if I wanna associate myself with you:
To that I said, I will never regret the decision I made from day one.

For all my rebuttals, I was laughed at. But I didn't care. Coz I meant it.

And in return, this is what I get. Well, I accept it. I accept it as what I deserve. Everything happens for a reason. I'm gonna let go now... the battle has been lost. The white flag is sticking up and flying right above my head. There's really no point in fighting karma or attempting to go against it.

Speaking of Karma. It's pretty simple & straight forward:

I sat with you and listened to you curse endlessly about others. Now I'm the one being cursed.

I crossed the paths of others and blocked them out. Now my path has been greatly obstructed.

I put shit on your face. Now my face is covered with shit.
Only difference is, I did it directly and you're doing it indirectly.

So cheers to revenge, lies & your victory!
*damn, I wish I had some tequila shots here with me*

My "eventful" life..

2009-12-08T17:54:00.003+08:00

1) I got invited to a Angel / Devil party next week (no not the stupid Zeta Bar one), it's a birthday party! Gonna go this weekend to get 'props'. And I say 'props' coz I can't afford a whole outfit. But it's gonna be fun anyway! Wanted to dress up for Halloween but unfortunately had nowhere to go, but lucky me, I got a second chance!! Woohoo! Can't wait!

2) Women! What the hell happened to your toilet ethics?!?! The men used to be known as gross - leaving their golden droplets on the toilet seats. But now, YOU WOMEN, leave not only your golden droplets, but your velvet red (and sometimes brownish) droplets AND not forgetting your shoe prints! It's a SEAT. Don't be acrobatic & squat on it!! Jatuh dalam toilet bowl baru tahu! Eeeee.. GROSS!!!!!

3) I have a chinese wedding to attend in 2 days and just realized last night that BOTH my cheongsams don't fit me. One is tight at the ass, one is tight at the tummy. So I'm starving. Let's see if 3 days of starvation will help. Yes yes, its bad for my health, blablabla. And to that I say: Have you been fat?!?!?!

ok, enough emoness. hehe.
ciao

Wreckage

2009-12-03T04:35:00.003+08:00

I made you feel like a scum - You made me feel the lowest
I made you believe there were better people out there - You proved I wasn't the best either
I called you names like no other - You called Sham what you call me

I feel worthless - Just the way I made you feel
I feel ugly - Just the way I made you think you are
I feel lesser of a person - Just the way I spoke to you
I feel I'm nothing - Just the way I treated you..

I treated you like dirt - You threw dirt right back at me
I looked down on you - You showed me what you're capable of
I doubted you - You proved it didn't matter anyway

So, who is to blame? No one but me.
It's simple. Crystal clear.

I shall carry the cross.. I shall bear the pain.. I shall bow my head down in shame.
I shall cry myself to sleep at night and I shall fake some laughter in the day.
I shall smile while my heart is breaking, and keep talking when there's not much to say.

You taught me to be humble,
you taught me to know where I stand,
you taught me to never let my guard down,
you taught me that a harmless bug can sting to death.
You taught me - what IS death.

You won this time, unlike all the other times that I do :)
I don't have the last laugh, like I always do.
Neither am I right this time, like I used to be.

I will continue to walk on... head not held up so high, and without the sparkle in my eye.
Yes, here I am once again, at this familiar road I remember being lost at before.
I guess...It's that time again.. to ask myself, who am I.

Stupid mistakes... happens all the time doesn't it?

2009-11-30T00:03:00.001+08:00

can't really input much of my own comments here, so I'll just post this song instead...

I've been letting you down, down
Girl I know I've been such a fool
Giving in to temptation
When I should've played it cool
The situation got out of hand
I hope you understand

It can happen to..
Anyone of us, anyone you think of
Anyone can fall
Anyone can hurt someone they love
Hearts will break
'Cause I made a stupid mistake
It can happen to..
Anyone of us, say you will forgive me
Anyone can fail
Say you will believe me
I can't take my heart will break
'Cause I made a stupid mistake
A stupid mistake

She was kind of exciting
A little crazy I should've known
She must have altered my senses
'Cause I offered to walk her home
The situation got out of hand
I hope you understand

A stupid mistake
she means nothing to me
(nothing to me)
I swear every word is true
don't wanna lose you

Randomness

2009-11-27T13:55:00.004+08:00

After a long long long time, I went out drinking last night.

It was suppose to be a quiet night out with the boyfriend. Which started from the question, "What shall we do tonight b"... Which I think always stresses him out - like, "damn how do I keep this girl excited and not bored". Haha..

Anyway, both of us rarely put much thought into answering this question.

Option A-Movies.

Which tak jadi because:
1 ) we already watched 2012
2 ) we were not gonna waste our money watchin twilight
3 ) no other movies playing. Besides Senario (which falls under category 2, except maybe worse!)

Option B -Let's Go Have A Beer.

Since I'm very free right now and in the mood to write, I shall rant a bit extra.

Rant #1 Why do we always say "a beer" or "a couple of beers". Half the time we end up having more than 1 - be it 1 mug or 1 jug. And the other half of the time, we go from beer to some other liqour. I think we should just stick to "lets go drink".

Ok, back to the topic. So since we already decided to do something standard, we figured lets not be deadboringcouple and go somewhere "new". "New" meaning some place we haven't been lah. So he suggested Changkat. He has been there. But this ulu girl has not. Yes, prior to last night, I was a Changkat virgin. Bite me.

Ended up in Gypsy. Random. Like totally totally random. And to emphasize how random, I shall spell it out. R-A-N-D-O-M. We were standing in front of Sutra and trying to decide Sutra or Gypsy. I have never heard nor been to either one, what more this street! And me being me, it was a tough decision. While thinking, suddenly the boyfriend realized that I will probably only decide by Christmas so..swoosh... Next thing I know, we were across the road and walking right into Gypsy and a jug appeared on the table. How magical, I know. From 10-12 midnight, it was a couple of hours filled with us munching on some lame ass sausages, sipping our beer, checking out chicks, trying to decipher these "chicks" genders, having a random group of my friends suddenly showing up there. Totally random night.

Rant #2: I can't believe we paid RM8 (or 10 i can't really remember) for like 10 slices of sausages fried in 20 sliced onions and about 10 anchovies. It sucked big time. I miss the same dish they use to serve @ Karma.

Then, just as we were finishing our drinks, Dave got a call. Barath & gang were in Savanh 2 Mont Kiara. So off we skipped from Gypsy to Savanh. Ok fine, we drove.
This time, Dave was the Savanh virgin! Haha. I've been there before, though it was aeons ago. There were bottles and mixers all ready waiting for us. Absolut Vodka. Mmmmm.. it's been a while. Those were the days I use to be a Vodka Lime kaki. Yeayea, now I cant even hold my drink.

Rant #3 - refer to Rant #1... see, it's never just "a beer".

We left about 2am+. We almost joined the boys to go makan, when suddenly I had a weird feeling that it won't be the "just grab something to eat" and I told Dave, lets just go home. True enough, next day I heard, they were out till 5am! Haha. Damn, being out till 3am itself had me feeling drained out. I don't know if I would've lasted till 5.. even in Devis.

Anyway, that was that. One night of drinks and company... been a while since I/we did that, so I thought it'd be worth blogging about :)

Cupcakes for Christmas or just coz..

2009-11-23T17:17:00.003+08:00

Hey everyone,

I'll be baking some delicious, warm cupcakes for Christmas (yes, the season is here!).

They will be dressed up in beautiful christmassy decos ..
Perfect if you're having an open house, or a family gathering, or even going visiting!
Your guests, family or hosts will be delighted by these delicious cuppies!

They're going for RM2.50 per piece for a minimum order of 16 pieces.

I will be posting up some pics real soon (yup, the orders have come in already!).

So do email me your orders!!

plyy86(at)gmail(dot)com

Maybe this is it...

2009-11-19T17:05:00.002+08:00

As I'm sitting here, sipping my coke in my pink McD contour glass, having Julie's peanut butter biscuits, I ponder on the turn of events lately.

I had to make one of the most toughest decisions this year. And I have finally made it, after considering all the possible pros & cons. Tomorrow, I shall have to act out my decision. And this is the moment of truth. To make the decision is one thing, to act on it, is a whole different thing and I pray that I be granted the strength & courage to do it.

It's not gonna be easy. But it has to be done.

*will update tomorrow*

Social Circles

2009-11-15T15:33:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, I met up with a long time friend of mine, my high school class mate and needless to say, we had a great time catching up on everything that happened for the past 1-2 years we hadn't met.

We spoke about everything under the sun, people, education, money, career, our purpose in life (yeah, deep like that haha). While sending her back, something just popped in my head. Like a summary of our conversation the whole night and I told her what I thought and she felt the same too. I wonder how many people actually feel this way.. It was something along these lines:

I'm done socializing. I'm done making friends. I'm done starting all over again with the whole, Hi, What do you do, Where you're from, etc. Meeting new people is a whole different thing - that's pretty much unavoidable and I dare say necessary. But what I'm refering to is making friends and building that bonds. I've got a handful of friends whom I appreciate and am thankful for having them in my lives. I'm there for them at times, and they're there for me at times. But I just don't think I have the time anymore for new bonds to be built. I've got no time to maintain these bonds. I got no room in my life to listen out to these new people's problems, misery, etc. Not to be selfish, or unhelpful, but I rather be honest upfront and not get involved than to have people think they can rely on me, and then have me bail out on them. I've got problems of my own which I'm in the midst of dealing with every day in my life. I've got my priorities - my family, my loved ones, my career, my studies, my home, my existing friends. And I really don't think I can handle anymore than that. I'm done starting from scratch and getting to know someone. Of course, I have new colleagues I meet, new acquaintances, friends-of-friends, etc. But that's just it. I draw the line right there. With a thick black marker. And I do not cross this line. This may make me appear to be arrogant or unfriendly. Then again, there you go - extra judgement I could do better without :)

So there, I've reach a point in life, where I'm content with my friends and my social circle. I have a handful of them I can count on. And that's that. :)

It isn't ironic, it's annoying!

2009-11-11T16:03:00.002+08:00

It's funny how back then, the future was so uncertain,
Yet I believed.
I had hope.
Faith was so strong.
Fear was pushed aside and courage took the wheel.
Pain was countered with a smile.
Bullets were blocked with the love.

Now, the future is so certain,
Yet I'm drawing back.
I'm looking away.
Fear & doubt floods my head.
Uncertainty gushes through my heart.

Why can't I just be HAPPY?!?!?!
This is what I've been waiting for all this while!!!

Empty

2009-11-04T23:52:00.002+08:00

It's so sad how things have turned out. But sometimes when you got no other solution, the only way to make things better is to stab it right in the middle. Kill it for a while. Be numb.
I know that when I start crying about it, that's when I've found myself.
Till then, it just feels like my soul has left my body temporarily. I'm just a walking zombie.

Through this, I also realize that I have a weird way of coping.
I become the worst rebel ever.
I have the urge to do the most forbidden things.
I become cold hearted.
I sleep a lot (yes, more than I usually do!).

Okthxbai

F.A.I.L.

2009-10-26T17:07:00.002+08:00

Tried to convince the boyfriend that I should be spending some moolah on blackberry..

Me: b, i think i'll get a blackberry
then you can have my phone!!!
(this is suppose to be a supergenius persuasive technique - coz he needs a new phone too!)

Dave: Why you simply wanna spend money right now?? Is it really that important??

-_-

My persuasive line was completely ignored.

fail. fail. fail.

IMHO

2009-10-24T17:41:00.003+08:00

Some talk like they've seen it all,
They do not know they're only standing at the shore and the oceans await them

Some talk like they've done it all,
They do not know they were only doing the pilot test

Some talk like they've been through all the pain,
They do not know it was only a prick of a pin that they felt

Some talk like they're sitting in the highest throne,
They do not know it's just a stool they're resting on

Some talk like they have power over everyone else,
They do not know they can't even control how many times other bat their eyelashes.

Some talk like they're gonna commit suicide the next minute,
They do not know that what they're feeling is just self inflicted depression.

Moral of the story: Don't talk, act, walk like you're better than anyone else. Be humble. Give some and earn some - respect that is. Know where you stand. Know that you're only as old as you are and not as old as *you* think you are. It's good to have dreams, aspirations, self confidence. But it's also good to know how to use them well and not step on others toes.

Fraud!

2009-10-22T15:26:00.004+08:00

Today, my boyfriend found out that over the past 2 days, he had lost a total of RM 270.18 from his Maybank account. His debit card was compromised and used for a few online transactions in USD without his authorization and knowledge.

Here's my stand on this. Criminals will always exist but that doesn't make the fraudster more of a bastard than he already is. But what makes the situation more shittier than it already is, is the responsibility (or lack of it) of the Fraud Department of this particular financial institution.

Financial institutions, no matter the size and value, will always be the target of fraudsters (criminals). These criminals are getting smarter by the second. They're learning new ways, new techniques, new strategies, new loop holes - anything to slip through security and laws. So, logically speaking, the financial institutions and potential victims should be increasing their awareness, tightening their securities and instead of trying to catch up with these criminals, they should make all the effort to be a step or two ahead!

What baffles me is how Maybank's Fraud Dept can over look such suspicious transactions!

This may sound like rocket science to laymen like you and me but allow me to paint a clear picture with this good example of an efficient and reliable Fraud/Authorization Department. This is of Standard Chartered Bank, Malaysia. Note: No, I'm not being biased as their staff. I have complained against them about the same number of times I've complimented them.

When I first got my credit card, I only used it for petrol purchase. However, just before leaving for a holiday, I went to Midvalley to do some last minute shopping. I was too lazy to withdraw money and so I decided to my card. I made a total of 4 transactions, totalling to less than RM150. This was within a period of one hour. As I was hurrying out of the mall to my car, I got a phone call from the bank. They called to check if I was in Midvalley and if I was on a "spree of charging my card". I was truly surprised and laughed as I confirmed with the officer that I was indeed making those transactions. The officer even read out all the merchants names to me. I was totally impressed on how fast they picked up on it and viewed it as 'suspicious transactions'.

This is excellent fraud detecting if you ask me.

Those in customer service would know this term 'KYC' - it stands for Know Your Customer.

The fraud department of Standard Chartered Bank practiced this. They knew my patterns of spending. And the minute there were transactions which were unusual, they picked up on it. Even though it was just a shopping mall and even though it was rather small amounts.

It's so disappointing that Maybank did not pick up on online transactions done in foreign currency! This is not at all his spending patterns!!

This could be an isolated case and to be fair, I wouldn't label / black list Maybank but it would only be natural for me to warn my friends and family to be vary of this bank. As from my personal experience, their security levels are definitely not on par compared to other banks.

Pictures paint a thousand words.. ( and if they don't, we'll spell em out for you! )

2009-10-20T19:25:00.002+08:00

Elevatografiti

Diary of a Stalker

2009-10-20T13:26:00.003+08:00

Subject of Study:
IT. (no, I'm not even revealing the gender).

Impression before the study (hypothesis la konon):
It is a sicko who has nothing better to do in life than destroy the lives of others. (also the reason behind my 'study').

Methodology:
1) Online stalking - facebook, friendster, google, wordpress, ym, msn, hotmail, netlog (yea even that).
2) Mobile phone logs - receive reports on its incoming & outgoing calls (one of my few blessings from working in a call centre).
3) Ol' Skool style - driving around and 'making observations' (so totally PI style).

Results: thanks to hardwork & good contacts ;)
I know where it lives (result of 3 hours of driving & quarter tank petrol wasted in some rural area).
I know what cars it drives (result of knowing where it lives)
I know where and what its offsprings do (result of good contacts)
I know where they all hangout (result of what it & it's family posted online)
I know it's darkest secret (result of it having a friend it shouldn't have trusted in the first place)
I know why its spouse is no longer in the picture (result of the same stupid friend. lol)
I know its online activity (well, not all, but enough for my study)
I know some of its passwords! (result of it choosing stupid passwords.. for God's sake, choose strong passwords people!!)
I know how many times it calls err.. another 'it'. Ha.ha. (results of knowing people from various call centres)
I know the method it is using to try to avoid being tracked by me (which hereby proven FAILED! lol)

Best of all, I know how I can bring it down by not even doing anything.
I won't even have to lift a finger!
If only people knew what shit they put themselves in by crossing the line and stepping on one's shoes.
My oh My :)

Conclusion of study:
It is a pretty normal person.
Erm. Wait, no, It is NOT pretty and NOT normal.
It is lost.
Weird for someone at that age (it will turn 40 next month).
It is looking for that content feeling IT never found in it's lifetime.
It has become desperate and is going to all extends to seek fulfillment.
None of my business, except that it has crossed the line into my territory in the midst of doing so.

Moral of the story:
1) Don't udpate your particulars online.
-Even if you go by some stupid nickname (for those of you who were unfortunately born with a name you don't quite like). Your nama glamour will soon be linked to you as well and it defeats the purpose of you trying to hide your true identity.

2) Don't mess around with anyone. ANYONE.
-People may seem like they don't know much coz they're young / stupid / inexperienced. Those are the ones you should beware of.
Don't awaken the sleeping tiger ;)

3) Don't try and be smart and create new ways to do your shit.
-Once you've been exposed, just stop and move on. Don't pursue the same shit. If you rape someone and you're being charged with raped, you don't jump into the witness stand and rape your victim again. You either repent, or go rape someone else and go through the same shit again.
***********************************************************

This was destructive & fun.

Is it a true story?

Go figure.

~over and out~

Just a lil reflection

2009-10-02T11:57:00.004+08:00

I was just thinking about the past two years. So much has happened. So much drama, joy & tears, heartaches and pain. I've done the worst things and the best things have happened to me. I've made some crucial decisions - most of which have changed my life completely.

2 years ago, I never would've imagined I would be where I am today and who I am today.

*smiles*

Dulu & Sekarang

2009-09-19T18:10:00.003+08:00

Dulu...
Me: Babyyy... somethin bit me here.. damn itchy la.. seee..
Boyfriend: Don't scratch baby.. then will have scars.. *goes on to sayang the mosquito bite & kisses it*

Sekarang...
Me: Babyyy... somethin bit me here.. damn itchy la.. seee..
Boyfriend: Itchy means scratch la.

-_-

Dulu...
Me: (after watchin horror movie) B, I can't sleep la, I'm scared..
Boyfriend: *hugs*, nothing to be scared of sayang, I'm here isn't it.. *cuddles me close*

Sekarang...
Me: (after watchin horror movie) B, I can't sleep la, I'm scared..
Boyfriend: Just close your eyes and sleep.

-_- -_-

Dulu...
Boyfriend carries me..
Me giggles
Boyfriend and me laugh about it and be lovey dovey

Sekarang...
Boyfriend carries me..
Me giggles
Boyfriend: Ouchh, my back ! (this goes on for a week...)

-_- -_- -_-

Although I pretend to be merajuk with him about all the above, I still love him sooo much and love the fact that we've just become too comfortable with each other.. LOL.

Ok fine, here's my share of dulu & sekarang.. I shall admit it!

Dulu...
Boyfriend: B, is my hair that bad?? *points to a guy who's got a huge bald spot*
Me: Nola darling, please lah, yours is nothing like that k...

Sekarang...
Boyfriend: B, is my hair that bad?? *points to a guy who's got a huge bald spot*
Me: Erm, not really, but you're getting there.

Dulu...
Boyfriend: B, i'm putting on weight la ... *rubs his belly*
Me: No sayang.. you still look good and sexy k...

Sekarang...
Boyfriend: B, i'm putting on weight la ... *rubs his belly*
Me: Yahhh!! *pinches and pokes his fat*

Two scenarios enough lah for my part :P

love you baby!

2009-09-11T22:44:00.000+08:00

I’m a train wreck in the morning
I’m a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you

I’m a puzzle yes indeed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren’t even in the box
And yet you see the picture clear as day

I don’t know why you love me
And that’s why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me, flaws and all
And that’s why I love you
And that’s why I love you
And that’s why I love

I neglect you when I’m working
When I need attention I tend to nag
I’m a host of imperfection
And you see past all that

I’m a peasant by some standards
But in your eyes I’m a queen
You see potential in all my flaws
And that’s exactly what I need

I don’t know why you love me
And that’s why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me, flaws and all
And that’s why I love you
And that’s why I love you
And that’s why I love you

Don’t know why you love me
And that’s why I love you
Catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that’s why I love you
And that’s why I love you
And that’s why I love you
You, you, you

MLTR

2009-08-29T15:53:00.000+08:00

Wanna go for the MLTR concert but only shitty tickets left :(

Well, just gonna go and get the shitty tickets anyway I guess.

WHAT THE HELL LA WEI!

2009-08-25T23:04:00.000+08:00

Tuesday August 25, 2009

PAS Youth threatens to rock MLTR’s act, too

By JO TEH

PETALING JAYA: Michael Learns to Rock (MLTR) is the latest international act to have its concert condemned by PAS Youth.

The movement issued a strong protest to the Cabinet’s decision in approving the concert by the Danish band at Genting Highlands on Sept 5.

Nasrudin Hassan Tantawi

Youth chief Nasrudin Hassan Tantawi, in a press statement yesterday, said his party would not hesitate in mobilising its members to prevent the concert from happening if the performance was not stopped.

He said said the Cabinet’s ap- proval was “an insult to all Muslims in the country.”

The movement had also protested previous gigs by Beyonce, Avril Lavigne and Gwen Stefani.

Meanwhile, Star Planet, the organiser of Michael Learns to Rock show here, denies allegation the concert violated the dignity of Muslims.

Its chief operating officer, Carmen Liew, said the show would go on as scheduled.

“The green light was given when we approached the authorities. We are not violating any guidelines. In fact, we have abided by Central Agency for Application for Filming and Performance by Foreign Artistes (Puspal) rules that also provides for guidelines on concerts to be held during the fasting month,” she said.

According to Puspal, concerts to be held during the fasting month must in a ‘closed’ venue.

“Genting Highlands is considered as a ‘closed’ venue. We have not done anything wrong,” said Liew.

Touted as a strong comeback for the band, the “Eternity Tour 2009” world tour concert will showcase old and new tunes.

Isn't it ironic? -my 'manglish' unveiled-

2009-08-24T19:00:00.002+08:00

1. Humans almost never protect their own spouse. Almost. Not always. But ALMOST. Kalau spouse orang lain, walau, teruja yang amat sangat to defend! Aku memang pelik betul. Tapi baik aku diam jer. My portrait has been painted to look like Cruella deVil already. Better just shuddup now.

2. When you go in detail, they say they can't believe it, when you don't, they say you don't care. Amacam sekarang? Out of the pan, into the fire.

3. When you know too much, it hurts, when you know too little also hurts. Better not know at all. Ignorance is memang bliss!

4. When you don't clean your mess, you = dirty. When you clean, you = not clean enough. When you clean thoroughly... *pin drop silence*. Dunno good or bad oso.

5. When you're at work, you hate every bit of it. When you're away for too long, you miss being work, miss being occupied and not letting stupid, irrelevant, unimportant things bother you.

Yea, I miss work. I miss the absence of facebook at work. Its good to know I'm being paid for doing important, necessary things. And not being paid to get myself annoyed and bothered about nonsense.

-n-

Chapter One

2009-08-22T03:22:00.008+08:00

She's standing by the piano, sipping on her whiskey coke. She's in her favorite red top and black jeans. It's a Monday night and she's at a pub. Oh right, it's a public holiday the next day. And a friend's birthday tonight. The boys are already quite drunk. She smiles, laughs at their silliness and cracks some jokes with her girlfriend. None of them have any clue how her heart still aches from the past pain. Simply because she conceals it pretty well and blends in with her surroundings. "Thank God for my loud crazy friends for they sure do numb my aching heart", she thinks to herself.

She glances across the room, and her eye catches something. Someone rather. His good looks attract her first, to which she just smiles and turns away. But something makes her look again and this time, she notices his smile. Laid back yet so charming. She takes a good look at him. He's clad in a black sweater, sleeves pushed up halfway to his elbows. One hand holding his mug of beer, and the other, casually in his jeans pocket. He takes a sip of his beer and glances through the top of the mug right at her. Shit. She quickly looks away, "Did he notice me looking at him?" she wonders.

She continues her choppy conversations with her friends. Dancing by herself when a familiar song starts to play. She tries to go back to her whole 'anti-male' attitude, but something keeps drawing her attention to his direction again. She tries to fight it but gives up and takes another glance at him. He's looking straight at her. She wants to turn away but his eyes stun her. The most gorgeous eyes, obvious even in the dimmest lights. His lips break into a lil smile. She returns a polite smile and looks away, telling herself, that's it, no more looking! She's broken 'the rule'. He caught her looking. Twice!

She draws her attention back to her friends. But she has no idea what they're talking about. She's right there, but she isn't listening. She hates being so distracted and tries to concentrate. From the corner of her eye, she sees him walking towards her. Oh. My. God.
He walks right past her, reaches for the door behind her and steps out for a smoke. She breathes a sigh of relief. Or was it a sigh of disappointment? She steals a few looks at him through the glass panels of the door. She can't see much. Maybe talking about it will help her put things in perspective. As silly as it may sound.
She pulls her girlfriend aside and says, "hey, I spotted someone, he's with that group across us. And he's really cute!".
The friend responds with less enthusiasm than expected, "huh, okay".
"Yeah, he's gone out for a smoke, check him out when he walks back in".
"Ok." responds her not-very-interested friend.

Heck, it's a Monday night, who would come out with the intention of checking someone out huh!
But this wasn't just anyone. He was different. Not the player, not the drunk, not the attention seeker, not the check-out-my-moves-on-the-dance-floor-babeh. He was just simply different.

He reaches for the door again. She nudges her friend, "Look. NOW!".

He walks past them, with that lil smile on his face.. she can't take her eyes off him. Damn. She's hooked.
The friend teases her, "Go talk to him, or ask him to dance!".
"Yeah right", she responds. Everyone knows that she would never dare do something like that, not in this lifetime.
During this whole conversation, he's staring straight at her. She tries to convince herself that he's just looking straight past her, but several glances at him proves her right. He's looking straight AT her.

The birthday boy walks up to her to see if she's alright - yeah, coz he's totally wasted at that point. She just brushes him off, but the girl friend pulls him right back and whispers something. The girlfriend and the birthday boy seem like they're up to something, but she isn't really paying attention. She's too busy stealing glances at 'him'.

All of a sudden, in the blink of an eye, the birthday boy walks right up to 'him' and strikes a conversation. The birthday boy is gesturing towards her, the girl friend is giggling away and the hottie is looking straight at her with his gorgeous smile. She's panics, turns her back towards them and grabs her drink. "Please tell me this is not happening", she repeats to herself.

Within seconds, the birthday boy walks up to her and says, "Come, I'm gonna introduce you to someone" and pulls her right towards 'him'. "What?!?!?!", she practically screams at him. "No, Wait". But it's too late. Before she looks even more of a psychopath, she walks straight and smiles confidently, though she's shaking inside. He extends his hand and introduces himself. She does the same. Suddenly her self-confidence melts like butter. She's trembling, yet trying to make conversation, attempting not to look like a fool. He remains cool the whole time, that charming smile embedded on his face. Gosh, he's even more gorgeous up-close. And his eyes, they're dazzling brown. She tries not to look into his eyes for long. They make random small talk and clink their glasses together every time the 'awkward silent moment' happens. They talk just for a lil while, then he hands her his name card, with his number. She slips it into her bag and tries to control the huge smile that's creeping through her lips. Soon, he excuses himself and she goes back to her friends - part of her wanting to strangle them, part of her knowing she should thank them. But more importantly, she feels a tingling feeling in her. A warmth cosy feeling in her heart. She can't stop smiling to herself. Soon, she has to leave. She goes up to him and says her goodbyes - not knowing if they'll ever meet again, but at that point, it didn't really matter.
What mattered was, he made her day.

***************************************************************

And that my friends, is the story of how Girl met Boy.

Did it end when she walked out that door?
Or is there a 'Chapter Two'?? Watch this space ;)

Wake me up, when September ends.

2009-08-18T19:01:00.003+08:00

Less than 2 months to my birthday, and so, ladies & gentlemen, I present to you...

My Wishlist!!!!! :D

P/S: I'll be adding stuff to it as it comes nearer ;)

The word "Need" is overrated.

2009-07-30T08:09:00.002+08:00

Who says you need someone to wipe your tears?
That's what tissue is made for.

Who says you need someone's shoulder to cry on?
That's what pillows are made for.

Who says you need someone to hold and to hug you?
That's what teddy bears are for.

Who says you need someone to console you?
That's what music was made for.

Who says you need someone to love you?
That's what YOU were made for.

1 year.. and counting.

2009-07-28T09:17:00.002+08:00

21st July 2009 marked my one year in Virtual Banking Division.

My my, it's almost unbelievable how time has whizzed past me without me even realizing it.

Those close to me knows that work is something I can't stop talking about. It may not be the perfect job, but it's definitely worth talking about. Simply because for the past 365+ days, I've either learnt or experienced something new - Every. Single. Day. It's a never ending learning process. And it's not just about banking or finances or the economy. It's about people and their psychology, it's patterns of behaviour, it's processes I've not learnt in training, it's impossible things made possible. So here's my "hats off list".

Colleagues.
The managers, senior managers, trainers, my team mates, my seniors, juniors, branch officers, back end officers, colleagues from other departments, heck even the cleaner lady! These group of people are the ones who have taught me the most in this one year period. They may or may not know it, but I've learnt hell of a lot from them. Good & bad. These people have brought out the best AND the worst in me. Some have encouraged me, some pushed me to where I am today, some taught me a million things I should've known, some pissed me off till I got all red, many of which have received my bullet emails. So much so, one of my colleagues Deva, knows when I'm angry simply by hearing the way I type. She can't see me from where she's sitting, but she can hear me and she'll say "Pam, who you shooting via email la" lol. For those who can see me, they always know when I'm mad or upset or happy by the look on my face - I've always been one who wears my emotions on my face. To quote Don Nat: "Omg Pam, why you look damn pissd off, shit la, I'm gonna get one email now". Haha.

Customers.
These group of people are the ones who have effects on me in many many many ways. They put me through hell, they compliment me, they put a smile on my face, they piss me off, they make me laugh, they make me cry, some of them even make me want to choke them to death.
But these people have taught me a lot too. They've taught me the meaning of patience, tolerance, stress, effort, worthiness. They've taught me how to think out of the box, and they've taught me that I can say the same thing in 2 different ways and it will give 2 totally different meanings. They've taught me that every single action, no matter how small, is significant and will have it's impacts and consequences. They've kept me on my toes, and alert all the time.

Conclusion.
I've laughed, I've cried, I've gone mad, I've thrown my headset on the table, I've cursed and sweared, I've snapped, I've had funny ass conversations, I've consoled crying juniors, I've listened to stressed up seniors, I've enjoyed my work, I've gotten sick of it, I've thought of tendering my resignation.

Maybe it's time to move on. Maybe it's not. But whatever the decision may be, I'm glad that I set foot here in VBD and I dare say it's something I will not regret.

Cheers to the 1 year.
VBD Pride!

My love..

2009-07-19T22:04:00.002+08:00

Every time I look into your eyes, I don't wanna look away..
Every time I kiss you, I hold that kiss and don't want to breakaway..
Every time I touch you, I lay my hand there and don't want to move away..
Every time I smell your scent, I inhale it and don't want to turn away..

All this and more.. just to hold on while I can.

Every day seems to pass so quickly now baby.
I only wish that the 6 months without you will pass as quickly.

Just my luck.

2009-07-18T13:50:00.002+08:00

Someone broke into my car last Tuesday.. yes, once again.
This time, at McD drive thru in SS 14.

There was nothing enticing or attractive for someone to break in. I'm driving a bloody Satria for God's sake and there's nothing but junk in my glove box. So yeah, that's what they took. My cosmetic bag from the glove box. The contents?
- miniature eye makeup/lip gloss/blusher which is about 5 years old
- an eye liner about 2 inches long
- impulse deodorant spray about 2 years old and about 5 sprays left
- cheap ass lip gloss worth RM 3 and half empty
- miniature Nivea body lotion about 2 years old
- RM 1 or 2 from the coin drawer

They were kind enough to leave my Johnson baby powder, my parking summons, some old bills & receipts. ON THE ROAD.

Cost of replacing the window = RM 110.

So basically, I had to fork out RM110 for some jackasses to clean my junk.

Ignorance is bliss...

2009-06-28T16:16:00.003+08:00

Reality has set in. That I'm no longer on holiday. It lasted for a few days after I got back, (precisely till a certain black Thursday), and then, whoosh, the spell wore off.

Why is it that the blissful, happy, perfect feeling can never last? I was made to believe that it would last. And I would like to believe that I did everything I could to make it last. But alas, it didn't. I miss my holiday, my paradise, my happiness, my carefree life, my content feeling, my security.

Got back to this shit called reality filled with $%#$*&% called 'other people' and it made me realize that I've not come to the day where those happy things will be permanent. And I don't know if it will ever be permanent.

You know what, I might be done waiting and hoping that each day will be the day where life will magically change and I will go back to be that happy person I was just a week ago. Maybe, just maybe, I'm done with hoping for a fairy tale. If this is how reality is going to treat me, just watch me and my comebacks! I'm better than waiting and hoping. I'm here and now.

I'm not gonna sit and mourn and miss my happiness and blissfulness. I'm done with that. Happiness is a state of mind and I shall find ways to establish that state of mind. It maybe in different context than what it was a week ago, but heck it. What matters is happiness. I can't be miserable anymore. It's tiring.

P/S: Ignorance is bliss - easier said than done. Fortunately, the human mind was designed to learn ANYTHING ... it'll just be a matter of time before I master it.

Always my paradise...

2009-06-24T09:01:00.005+08:00

Pulau Payar - where we snorkeled :)

Langkawi was just awesome. I've been there 3 times already, and yet, I always find something new, and the holiday there just gets better. We stayed for 5 days 4 nights and YET it wasn't enough!! :(

I miss it all so much and wish we could go back soon.
Ah well, we have plans to retire there someday ;)

view from the cable bridge

There's so much we did, so many places we went to, had sucky food, had alright food, drove around like there's no tomorrow. Thinking of the 5 days there makes me happy & sad at the same time.

Happy because I had an amazing time there, spent quality time which we really missed out on. I reminisced a lot about the lil holidays we used to go for when we first started going out (gosh, it's been more than a year ago already!)

Sad because...

I miss the beach, the sand, the pillows in Langkasuka, the pool in Aseania, the hotel breakfast, the half dead crocs and snakes, the colorful fishies & gundu penguins in underwater world, the cable car, the fishies and baby sharks I swam with, the cheap bikinis I wish I bought more of, the pretty dresses I wish I bought.

the baby sharks & thousands of fishies we swam with!

Memories of Langkawi, every second we spent there is so fresh in my mind and I think I'd spoil it if I elaborate too much here. So I shall just keep it in my mind and my heart... and just maybe, start working on that photo scrapbook.

God knows when our next long holiday is gonna be.. somebody's gonna be away for 6-7 months :(

Our matching beach anklet. p/s: pic taken at black sand beach.. so cool!

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away

2009-06-17T09:16:00.006+08:00

Sealing my yesterdays and putting it away. I'm known for that. I'm a champion of having zero physical evidences of my past. Why? Simply because I can only do it physically. I wish I could do the same to my head and my heart. Well, not literally, but more like 'deleting' memories and thoughts of the past. But I can never seem to master that skill. Good and bad memories fill my head. The moment I have some free time to sit and think, I reminisce about the past, wonder about what could've been and should've been. Wondering where I went wrong, wondering if the decisions I made were the right ones.

I've changed a lot. Some would say for the better, some would say for the worst.
I've lost friends, I've made a few.
I've made mistakes, and learnt from experiences.
I've diverted from a miserable lane, but sometimes I find myself on the same path.
I've lost precious time, but always try to make up for it.
I've made decisions, and always stand by it no matter what.

People will always judge, people will always have comments, people will always tell me what to do. They're only being human. Some say it right to my face, the two-faced ones judge me silently. It's ironic, but people judge me when they know the least about me or what me went through or what I'm going through. Do they know what I'm actually facing in my life?? Nope. Do they know what I had to face to get to this point in life?? Nope. Do they know I may have won the battle but still get persecuted for it?? Nope. Do they know I think about it every single day of my life?? Nope.

All this judgment startles me for a bit and makes me wonder if I have really changed that much. Or if I've really screwed things up. Or if I've hurt people that much.

But then I snap back to reality and smile to myself. Not a smile of viscous victory. But a smile of humble courage. The courage that I've instilled in myself. Although I'm one of the most indecisive person in this world, there's one thing I never run away from. Consequences. I stand by each and every decision I've made and I don't believe in regretting or wishing I could turn back time. The decisions I've made in the past couple of years may have hurt a lot of people, may have shocked many, may have changed some perception of me. But that's life. People move on, people move away, people grow up. Crying over spilled milk just isn't my thing.

Just one more thing I have to learn, which is how to move on with life without letting the past affect me. I know that what I did yesterday has had an impact on my today and what I choose to do today, will affect tomorrow and the days to come. But I've got to deal with it and move on. Learn from mistakes and not repeat it. Gain from experience and use it to be better.

I believe love will always lead the way. Love from my loved ones and with God in the center of my life, I'm certain that this is what will help me take my next step. Knowing I have these people around me.

I may seem weak at certain point of time. Most of the time actually. I cry easily, I want to give up when it gets tough, I want to runaway when I think I approaching a dead end. But I've come out of the worst situations in my life, and with that, I know that I will continue standing up after each fall. The bruises will heal and I will learn not to fall the same way. Every fall makes me stronger and wiser and nothing will ever bring me down forever. With the single exception of death.

The Pamella Lim that you knew 10 years back, or 5 years back or yesterday, is still the same Pamella Lim. Only stronger, wiser, and embracing life one day at a time.
For all that time you spent 'afraid' that I might fall or waiting to watch me fall, I guarantee you it'll be worth it if you just stay a while more and watch how I stand up right away and walk on like nothing happened. There's a special heart inside me here. A heart that can turn into stone in an instant.

P/S: This was written with a lot of people in mind, a lot of people who probably don't even know of the existence of this blog. But I pray that they'll be led here to read this.

Have a good week every one, I'm off for my 5 day long vacation. I need this.

Cheers.

2009-06-13T14:32:00.006+08:00

I know I haven't been the most encouraging and motivating person in regards to your big step into this dream of yours. I'm sorry. Here's how I truly feel and what I truly think about you.

You're an amazing person in every way possible and here are the reasons why...

Determination.
You're one of the most determined person I've met in my life. You've been through so much shit in your life. You've been brought down to the ground not once, not twice, but countless number of times. You've been kicked, stepped on, and dragged on dirt. But yet, you have not given up. You've always stood up and continued your journey to search for the calling of your destiny.

Hope.
You've been let down by many false hopes and many promises and yet, you choose to believe in every new hope and every new promise. You let go of past hurt and always look forward to a brighter future.

Courage.
You are always willing to take the chance, make a sacrifice and take the step ahead even though you may not know what's in store for you. Through your fears and uncertanties, you've even managed MY fears & uncertanties.

Passion.
You love what you do, and that makes you better at it. You not only put your mind into it, but you put your heart and soul in it too. Hand in hand with your talent, your passion has brought you much knowledge and experience.

I can go on and on, and this list will never end.

Because of who you are and what you are, you will soar to greater heights. This is your big break. It has to be it. After all that you've been through.

Along the way, you might encounter hiccups, stumbles, heart aches and disappointments, but along with that, will come success, joy and prosperity. So don't ever give up when you're down and out, for you have stood up from many falls before and you will again.

This is your dream come true and no words can express how happy I am for you. You totally deserve this chance, this opportunity to achieve your dream. It's like a reward for all that you've been through. And for the amazing person you are, you will be blessed with more.

In this pursuit of your dream, and your goals, know that I'm right here, beside you.
In this big complicated world, know that you can look beside you and always find me there.
I'll be there to catch your fall, to wipe your tears, to take away your pain, to hold your hand, and maybe sometimes, (just sometimes) to twist your ears and knock some sense in your head :)

So, hold your head up high, and walk the line baby. This is it. The world is waiting for you to shine. So, take that leap, reach for the stars. And remember, this girl here loves you :)

Check out my facebook note ... specially for you baby.

Squealllllssssssssss

2009-06-12T10:08:00.000+08:00

MLTR concert in September

KUALA LUMPUR: Danish band Michael Learns To Rock is set to take centrestage this September with its “Eternity Tour 2009” concert.

Touted as a strong comeback for the band, the world tour concert will not only showcase old tunes but also new numbers.

Return of the Danes: The group will be showcasing old hits and new tracks.
According to organiser Star Planet chief operating officer Carmen Liew, the show has been much anticipated. “Michael Learns To Rock (MLTR) is well known among Malaysians and it has a huge following here. We are proud to be able to bring this veteran band back to Malaysia for the fans,” she said yesterday.

The concert in Malaysia will be held at the Arena of Stars, Genting Highlands, at 8pm on Sept 5. Tickets are priced at RM263 (VIP), RM203 (PS1), RM163 (PS2), RM123 (PS3) and RM83 (PS4).
A 15% discount will be offered for all ticket tiers between June 12 and 14, and purchases must be done via Star Planet’s office or ticket counter at Sungai Wang Plaza KL (Concourse Level).

A special Father’s Day promotion will be extended comprising an attractive 10% discount with every purchase of three tickets. Those who buy VIP and PS1 tickets will be entitled to an exclusive limited collection windbreaker jacket. The offer is available while stocks last.
For details, please call Star Planet at 03-9223 3667 or visit www.starplanet.com.my.

My rock, My pillar: Deleted.

2009-06-11T23:31:00.003+08:00

Everybody has a certain someone you can pour out all your thoughts, emotions, feelings, insecurity and fears to. The moment any sort of emotion has the slightest effect on you, that's the first person that comes to your mind, and you will only find peace if you tell and talk to that person.

What do you expect from this person really? Comfort? Assurance? A shoulder to cry on? Encouragement?

We all need a someone like that, don't we?

Sometimes, though not always, your 'someone' whom you think you can talk to about anything and everything, doesn't respond the way you would like to. Sometimes, this 'someone' isn't the 'someone' you can pour out your feelings to. Sometimes, this 'someone' will ignore you, or worse still persecute you for what you've said. Maybe not at that moment, but sooner or later, what you said or did will be used against you.

This is the reason why I never believed in best friends since the age of 13. I never called anyone my 'best friend' since that age. The day I pulled out the knife from my back, which came from someone I called 'best friend' for 10 years, I swore that I will never let the knife of any 'best friend' touch my back again, and so I never found another 'best friend'.

Today, I realized that I've gone against my own belief that there is no such thing as 'best friend'. I thought I stopped searching for a 'best friend', when in fact, I removed that phrase from my vocabulary and continued to find a new phrase to replace it. I was still in search for that someone I could talk to and be able to be totally open with. Worst still, I expected this person to think the same of me. I expected them to think I'm their someone they could talk to and tell everything to.

Today, I've learnt, that not just the phrase is bullshit, but the definition of this 'someone' is too. Humans will always be humans. Some won't have time for your 'outpouring of emotions', some won't have the patience, some won't want to listen, some have shit of their own to deal with, some will only take certain things and ignore the rest of your stupid feelings.

Today, I unfortunately learnt that because I depend so much on this 'someone' to be there, to listen, to understand, to comfort, to assure and to pick me up, I have lost the ability to do all that for myself. Or rather, I find other means to give myself assurance and comfort. And this 'other means' only destroy me and those around me.

So, today, I will build that wall again. The one I built 10 years ago which crumbled along the way. Trust no one, rely on no one, bother no one & learn to deal with my own shit. If something bothers me, there's no need to talk about it or share it with anyone. I'll just ignore it. Time will be an essential essence here. If there's something I can no longer deal with, then I'll just have to make my own decision on how to stop it from bothering me. As a typical indecisive Libran, this maybe tough for me, but remember, I was born an only child, and that my friend, is something that has made me stronger and more independent than anyone could imagine. Watch me soar.

Calling once, Calling twice, Sold!

2009-05-27T08:51:00.004+08:00

The feeling of learning that a price has been so easily put on 15 years of your life is almost unbearable.

But it's a lesson to me. To plan my life, my future, my finances. To make the right decisions at the right time. To trust the right people. To believe in those you love and to never let them down.

I can't remember the last time I felt this alone .. possibly it was 2 years ago.

2009-05-27T01:27:00.002+08:00

When all you need is someone to hold you and tell you it's gonna be okay..
But instead you find yourself hand washing over 20 bras at 1am just to get your mind off things.

Sometimes, you can be filled in a room full of people, and yet be alone.. which implies that the presence of others doesn't necessarily make you feel less alone.

But sometimes, you gotta realize, that this is a world of solidarity ..
especially in times of trouble, sadness, uneasiness, sorrow.

It's not really a problem for me. I've got a heart of stone remember?

Every difficult moment is a "I'll be okay" moment for me.
Even if the world is about to end, that's what my stone heart tells me.

Just like that, I dry all my bras out, and take a deep breath, wrap my hands around myself... and tell myself, it's okay, you may need the arms of someone, but all you got now is your own arms, so bear with that.

I can already feel my pierced, broken, painful heart slowly turning back into stone and numbness replaces the pain.

Yes, it'll only be a matter of time before this stone heart is broken.
But likewise, it won't take long for it to harden once again.

2009-05-25T08:39:00.003+08:00

I've had enough of you bastards.

Charging your passengers exorbitantly. Driving like you own every road. Swerving in and out like you've already wrote a suicide note. Tail gating like you're obsessed with asses. Stopping wherever the hell you like. Parking anywhere, anytime, anyhow. Turning without indicating. Being stationary without hazard lights. Cutting queues to beat the jam.

I tried not to generalize that all of you are parias.
I tried not to generalize that all of you are asses.
I tried to believe there's hope in your species.
I tried to believe that you all will one day be nice.

But last night was the LAST STRAW.

You freakin bastard taxi drivers.

Do one thing right. Go and die.
Die in peace, die without troubling anyone, die without causing anyone else's death,
Just die alone.

All cried out.

2009-05-21T10:27:00.002+08:00

I've tried to stay strong and it still hurt. I cried my eyes out and I still feel the pain. My "greatest fear come true" issue has been addressed. But is it solved? Will it continue to haunt me? Should I have faith again? I don't have the answers to all these questions. I'm still lost. Trying to find my way back again. Love is supposed to lead me back. But I can't even find myself to begin with and trying to is draining me out. I feel like a walking zombie. Dead. At times, I feel like my soul is dead. And I'm watching myself drag around in a routine. Routine is the only way I can move on, move ahead, move forward from this nightmare. Work, work, work. Smoke 20 ciggs here and there within 9 hours. Slowly shutting out the whole world. At this point, I'm just typing away. No proper structure of thoughts, no sequence of events or emotions. Just emptying out whatever is left in me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To those who are making life even more difficult for me. Just fuck off. I have no place left in my life for your shit or your beef. So take it all back and shove it somewhere else. Don't stand in my way, don't talk to me, don't attempt any form of communication with me. I won't die and neither will you. I've shut you out of my life and hope the same favor is returned. I did not come here to make friends. That was one vow I made on the 21st of July 2008 and still keep true to it right to this very second. My point is, you do not own, rule, dictate, control or have anything to do with my life. So don't try and show me your 5 year old attitude. I don't give a damn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I need a break from this. From all of this. Locked up in my room would be a break for me. I need to vent out. I need to let it all out. I don't know how. Crying my heart and soul out didn't help. I will have to figure out another way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lesson learnt somewhere in between this ordeal. People have got problems of their own, issues of their own. So don't assume you can just vent out to someone, or cry on someone's shoulder, or talk to someone and expect a solution. People have their own shit to solve. That's how the world works nowadays. You deal with your own shit. Don't expect a solution from someone else, don't expect someone to hold you till you're able to walk again. You just walk on that broken foot of yours and immerse yourself in the pain till it heals.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's in moments like this when I recite the Serenity Prayer...

2009-05-18T08:36:00.003+08:00

What next?

Put a knife to a wound that's already bleeding profusely?
In which case I'm not sure if it can stop bleeding.

Or let it bleed till there ain't no blood to flow anymore?
In which case the hurt will be replaced by a numb feeling.

What do you do when you've done all you can and it's still not enough?
What do you do when you've given it your all and it's still not enough?
What do you do when you've devoted your heart and soul, your life and breaths, and it's still not enough?
What do you do when there's nothing left to do?

I've always been a person who believed that there's no such thing as "nothing left to do". I'm the kinda girl who will die trying. And that day will come. When I'm dead. When I've exhausted all my trial & errors. And when I'm dead like that, there's no reviving, no resuscitating.
Just. Dead.

I pray to God I will not reach that stage, when in fact, I can already smell the aroma of that death. It's just around the corner.

God, grant me,

the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Dream, Dream, Dream

2009-05-10T12:32:00.002+08:00

I've been having weird ass dreams lately. And it's so complicated & tiring. Especially when I wake up and try and recall every single bit of it so I can relate it to Dev and enlighten him even more on what a psycho I am.

Examples of dreams I have:
- My customer calls me on my handphone and blahs loudly!
- I found some chick's Jusco card in boyfriend's wallet
- I went for my first class of counselling psych and had to learn about the Uni's history
- Some maniac locked me and mum inside my house and we had no way out, we were trying the balcony!

See. Damn psychotic.. I think too much and it leaks into my subconcious mind and transform into dreams. I need a breakkkk.... one month & 7 days morrreeee!

Speaking of which, just when I'm goin for my holiday, unexpected expenses popped outta nowhere and I'm broke. Urgh. Hopefully I can scrape through and have enough for the holiday. Ah, well, what are credit cards for :D

Love Story meets Viva la Vida

2009-05-01T14:48:00.002+08:00

I love the Taylor Swift song, you love the Coldplay one..
We sing along to both.. and coincidentally, this dude came up with an amazing arrangement of a combination of both songs.
This song will someday play a part in our lives. One fine day.. That's my wish :)
*****************************************************************

Love Story - this song is just so fairy tale, happy ending-ish. I love the Romeo-Juliet part, the prince-princess part, the go pick out a white dress part. Just decided to highlight a few parts of the song that I could very much relate to.

So I sneak out to the garden to see you.
We keep quiet, because we're dead if they knew-
So close your eyes... escape this town for a little while.
(Remember this baby, hehe, the secret meetings & sweet escapes)

Romeo take me somewhere, we can be alone.
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run.
(And those times you suggested to run away)

Romeo save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel.
This love is difficult, but it's real.
(When everyone was against us....)

I got tired of waiting.
Wondering if you were ever coming around.
My faith in you was fading-
(Way back then, when I thought there was no hope)

He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said...
Marry me Juliet, you'll never have to be alone.
I love you, and that's all I really know.
(The day we chose to walk the path, against the odds, through the obstacles)

Enlightenment 101

2009-04-27T21:14:00.001+08:00

God made some people with hearts of stone coz he knew that there'll be many around them who will try to break it.

xoxo

I'm being ignored, so I need to find a new venting outlet

2009-03-31T20:32:00.000+08:00

I need to get a life. Seriously. I'm getting too dependant and I need to get a life.

The End.

For real. No joke.

2009-03-26T19:32:00.001+08:00

Old man’s bottle mishap leads to his death

A SINGAPOREAN died of heart failure after his penis became stuck in a soft drink bottle, reported Sin Chew Daily and China Press.

The incident happened when the 77-year-old man used the bottle to masturbate.

China Press reported that the senior citizen got his private part into the bottle and only sought help after his penis could not be dislodged from the bottle despite trying various ways such as applying soap water.

Doctors tried to alleviate the man’s suffering by cutting the bottle below the neck but to no avail because by that time, the skin around the penis had started to become inflamed, causing him to be unable to urinate.

His misadventure later led to other medical complications causing his death.

P.O.R.N.

2009-03-23T21:02:00.002+08:00

Just when I declared an official war against weekends. The weekend actually proved me wrong. It turned out to be quite alright :)

On a whole different note, I have decided to blog about porn. I always wanted to have a 'forum' about this. Like a totally open discussion. Simply because I'd really like to know why is porn such a necessity for guys? Yes, I know girls watch porn too, I'm talking about majority here. I am very keen to know... Why.

I think I'd understand if you're a lonely soldier in Afghan where a full blown sight of a woman is like sighting an eclipse. Or if you're a really unattractive guy who can't get laid in this lifetime. Or if your sex partner is a total disappointment in bed. Or if you're slightly "off" in your head.
Ok, ok, I shall not get personal on this.

Seriously, for the life of me, I can never ever seem to figure out the reason 'people' (lets not be sexist either) watch porn. And I will patiently wait for the day when someone sits with me and gives me one (or more) good reason why porn is such a necessity, and to a certain extent, an addiction. For this person who can make me understand this, I take my hats off to you.

Till then, my heart goes out to all who are directly and indirectly affected by this 'trend'.

Weekends shot the Sheriff AND the deputy!

2009-03-21T22:33:00.008+08:00

Weekends are bloody teasers.

They tempt you the whole week, pretending to be a small lil holiday. Supposedly to reward you for working/studying your ass of for 5 days in a row. They pretend to be like Miami while the weekdays take the bad name of Slum City. I've strong reasons to believe that someone out there has brain washed all of us to think that weekends are the best thing that happens every 5 days in the cycle of life because truth be told, weekends are nothing like what they appear to be. Weekends are jam packed with all the things you've piled up for a week and could not find the time to do. Laundry, banking, bills, house chores, hair mask, face mask, toe-nail cutting, exercise, family functions, church. Assuming 'weekend' means Saturday + Sunday, how is 48 hours ever sufficient for all that?? And that's only a few I can think of from the top of my head. Wait, weekends aren't even 48 hours (see, it's a trick!). Because by the second half of Sunday, you're already ~~moaning and sighing~~ getting yourself prepared for the so called "bad bad" weekdays ahead. When in fact, the weekend is the sneaky evil one! How are weekends better than weekdays? You work anyway! Only difference is, you get paid for the work on weekdays. And weekend work is 'voluntarily'. But even if I were offered $$$ for working on weekends, I'd reply "shove it up" as I rather NOT work.

Kill-joy! Hypocrite! There...another 2 adjectives that perfectly describe weekends.

Half of the organizations in this country don't even 'honor' weekends. People still have to work half day on alternate Saturdays. Someone should do some research with the hypothesis that people who work for half a day on weekends, tend to be less productive on weekdays compared to people who have 2 complete days off work. Or something like that.

Weekends should be compulsory for EVERYONE. Weekends should be treated as how the Sabbath was once treated. No one is allowed to do ANY work. Be it at the office, at home, for charity, for God, for health, for wealth, or whatever! Weekends should be for people to spend time with their loved ones. Period. Just sit. And be with each other. No outings, no 'activities', no nothing. Or if you don't have loved ones, you should just sit by yourself. And RELAX!!!! A word that has lost it's meaning recently.. at least in my life it has.

A very good article I found from Yahoo

2009-03-21T20:26:00.002+08:00

Finally.. someone came up with a good explanation on why people cheat. I think it's a good read...

Why do I find it so easy not to cheat?

Maybe I'm not very attractive, so my options are limited. Maybe I'm too jaded to go for the cheating opportunities. Maybe I still have some mental wounds lingering from when my dad temporarily moved out because he had met another woman. Maybe I'm too afraid that I've reached my sin quotient and one more big sin will keep me out of heaven.

Cheating is not a caught in the moment thing if you are really into your significant other, you miss them when you are not with them, you don't look for a way to hurt or deceive them.

I am just now patching up a friendship with someone I was seeing while they had a boyfriend (that may make me a cheater). At different points she told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend, that they were back together, and that he was boring and I was fun. It was total confusion.

I told her she wasn't being fair to herself, me, or him.

Finally, she said, "you just don't understand, there are things you don't know." Thing is she's been cheating on him for a couple of years with different guys, and he keeps taking her back.

So, are cheaters born cheaters, or do certain situations cause people to cheat? Probably a little bit of both. Here are some situations that make people cheat:

1. Bored
I'd say this is the most common reason that people cheat.It's tough to keep that edge throughout a relationship. Things start off grand and then level off and then you both realize that it's still real life. When you meet someone else, that inaugural excitement of a new relationship kicks back in.

2. Dependence
At first glance, cheating seems like independent behavior. It could be interpreted as doing what you want, when you want. But I would argue that cheating is a dependent behavior. A cheater is dependent because they are not strong enough to break up with their significant other in order to get with the new person.

3. Confusion
Sometimes life or a particular situation can get to you. When the perfect storm of confusion is going on in your head, you make mistakes.

4. Because They Let You
If any girl ever cheated on me, I'd break up with her immediately. Forgiving a cheater is putting up with it, and starts a vicious cycle. That person who cheated may lose respect for you and might continue to cheat-because they know they can get away with it, because you'll continue to take them back.

5. Nurturing
If someone is mistreating you, then your first instinct is to get away from him or her. But sometimes it's not that simple-maybe you are raising kids together. If you feel trapped in a bad relationship, it's only natural that you will run to the open arms of a person who treats you well.

6. Revenge
This is quite simple- an eye for an eye. Cheat on them if they cheat on you. If they continuously hurt you or abuse you in some way, you do it to get them back.

7. Confirmation of Attractiveness
Sometimes when you're in a long relationship, or if your significant other is taking you for granted, you begin to wonder if you're still attractive. Perhaps, because you were out on the dating circuit, you felt more attractive when you were single. If you have an affair, you've proven that a new person can be attracted to you.

8. The Thrill
Some people just enjoy the thrill of cheating: running around secretly, risking getting caught, andcreating thrilling moments with a forbidden romance.

9. They Don't Consider It Cheating, Even Though You Might
Relationships have that grey area, usually right before you become exclusive. He thinks date #4 is when you're "together," and you think date #2 is when you're "together." If you haven't talked about exclusivity, someone may think they are well within their rights to see other people, even though the other person in the relationship may not.

I don't understand why people don't break up as soon as they have an urge to cheat. Is it natural to have temptation, or is temptation a sign that the relationship is losing its fire? What reasons would you add to this list, and do you disagree with any? If you've ever cheated, why did you do it? Could you forgive a cheater? If you are single, but seeing a person who is in a committed relationship, does that make you a cheater?

I miss cuddling up in my baby's arms...

2009-03-19T23:31:00.002+08:00

Just hate being sick. The whole blocked nose, body ache, dysfunctional taste buds, etc.
Took half day today. I knew I couldn't work anymore when scrolling and clicking started to seem so difficult to do.
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On a different note, about something I always complain about. Decision Making.
I hate it when there are decisions to be made. I know it's part & parcel of life and I can't quite run away from it. But decision making is just so tedious for me. I'm a Libran- the most indecisive ones around, and weighing out pros and cons just isn't my thing. Or maybe I'm too good at it! I weigh out the pros and the cons so much that they balance each other out and then I can't make a decision.

If only life was written out in a book. Yeah, I know it probably is and it's called fate, yada yada yada. But will someone just give me the book?! So I can read ahead and know what to do!

There's this one decision I gotta make soon, and there are a million factors I have to think about. Every time I *think* I have made up my mind, something comes up and I'm back at square one analyzing and rethinking everything. All. Over. Again. It's annoying! Part of me feels like, "ah, screw it, I'll just go with the flow". But I can't do that. The rational me, who has to meet certain goals in life, says, "Just make up your mind and do it, you don't have all your life to ponder on something like this".

I wanna finish my studies up to a certain level in about 3-4 years.
And get married before I'm 29! I'm serious.

One thing that will solve about half a million of my issues would be $$$$.
If only I had more of $$$...
Life would be a.m.a.z.i.n.g.

*snaps out of dream*

I gotta make a decision. Very soon. Can't wait for the world to come to an agreement with me. I've gotta just do it. Yeah, like Nike.

My weekend

2009-03-15T23:26:00.003+08:00

Had a long, tiring but fulfilling day today. Started our journey to destination #1 at about 2.30pm. We drove to Asia Jaya and parked the car there. Took the LRT to KLCC for the education fair. On the way there, I was in so much pain, I thought I was gonna black out! (damn that bloody period *pun intended*) Summore, that time, boyfriend & I weren't friending each other, so couldn't even manja with him :( I took 2 panadols at home and when we reached KLCC, I just had to get another 2, coz the first 2 did nothing to ease the pain. Thank god it helped. The education fair was a real eye-opener and gave me a clearer picture about so many things. Should've gone for one after my SPM, instead of wasting my dad's moolah at Taylor's. Got about 10-15 brochures - all in a plastic bag which my poor baby had to lug around the whole day and it was only at the end of the day when I realized how heavy that darn bag was. Poor baby .. *kisses*

Destination #2 - PWTC - Matta Fair.
The queues at KLCC LRT station were insane, so we walked in the rain to Ampang LRT station and took the LRT to Jamek and the Star to PWTC. We finally got our holiday confirmed. Booked the flight, hotel and even snorkeling! (hope I don't chicken out of that!) . The feeling is just indescribable. So damn happy everything has been finalized and that there's no turning back. This is probably how people feel when they set their wedding date! haha. Ok, that's an exaggeration. But really. I'm thrilled.

The train ride and the walks were tiring man! My feet are aching now. But it was all worth it. Can't believe the weekend has just come to end. Glad it was a good one though.

Liverpool's majestic win + Confirmed blissful holiday = Glorious weekend.

Day-to-Day

2009-03-15T01:49:00.002+08:00

7.40am. Practically drag myself from the lift to my desk. Throw my bag there. Switch on my PC. Grab my locker key. Head to locker and take my file, headset, jacket. Wonder why I still carry a huge heavy bag when almost everything is in the locker. Log in my computer and open about 10 compulsory files & systems needed for work. Check my office email. Delete all the junk.

7.50am Go out to the balcony to 'compose' myself. Come back in, log into facebook. Wonder why no one uploads interesting photos anymore. Pass comments & laugh to myself at friend’s status msgs & photos & wall-to-walls. Type something in the “comment” section only if I come up with something solid to say. This is very rare. Especially in the mornings. Update my status.

8.05am Oops, it’s 5 mins past clock in time. Put on my head set. Feels like a soldier preparing his weapons for war. Pray as the first call is connecting. First calls are very important to me as they can make or break my day.

8.30am Colleagues start trickling into the office. Morning chirpiness don’t always thrill me. Glad I’m in my own lil cubicle now. Most of them know I’m not a morning person anyway. So they stay away. I grab a coffee every 2 hours or so. And some chickadees / mamee. Yeah, my office is cool like that.

12 noon Without me realizing, time has just whizzed pass me and it’s now almost lunch. I just have lunch right here at my desk. Pack food from home. Thanks to the economy crisis. Actually also too lazy to go out and buy food, socialize, blablabla. I finish my lunch in about 15 mins. Clear up as much work as I can, send work related e-mails – which are equivalent to bullets! You get ‘shot’ from other departments, sometimes, I too find it necessary to ‘shoot’ someone with my e-mails. Only God & I know how many times I edit an email after I’m done typing it because when I’m annoyed (most of the time because some genius has pissed me off), I type like a freaking machine gun. Then I spend about 15 mins editing and reading it over and over again to ‘jaga hati’. Pfft.

12.45pm Play a McDonalds game to release stress. Only to end up more stressful when I go bankrupt.

1.00pm Stop the damn game and continue with work.

2.30pm. Start to feel lethargic. Ok fine, maybe that’s too big of a word. Tired maybe. Mentally mostly. Check the time every 10 mins. Can’t wait to get off work. It’s nice to be one of the earliest to go home!

3.00pm. Rush through my follow-ups for the day so that I don’t have to stay back. Which I eventually end up doing. Mum picks me an hour and half later anyway. I log out. Grab a coffee. Go for a smoke.

5.30pm. Wait for Mum’s message, “I’m here”, and that’s enough to make me jump outta my seat and practically run out of office. And when walking from the lift to my car, it feels like I’m running outta the prison gates.

As much as I bitch about work, I’m actually quite passionate about it and sorta like it in a way. Pressure from customers, expectation from management, stress from colleagues, it has all become a routine for me and though I may complain about it, I secretly enjoy the challenge. It’s quite addictive and I’m one of those who “bring my work back with me”. Not literally, but in my mind I do. I think about it over dinner, in the shower, before I sleep. And almost every other night, at least one of my dreams will be about work. Yeah, I dream a lot. I know this “bringing your work back” isn’t a good thing.. but I can’t help it at times.

All said & done,the best part of my day is after a nice warm shower, when I get to cuddle up with the boyfriend in front of the TV *bliss*

I am Me

2009-03-01T23:41:00.004+08:00

I'm strong yet weak.
I'm bold yet timid.
I'm confident yet insecure.
I'm loud yet silent.
I'm brave yet afraid.
I'm independent yet unstable.

I widen my eyes yet my heart is shrinking.
I clench my fists yet my hands are shaking.
I stamp my foot yet my legs feel limp.

I light a fire which my own tears put out.
I recite a joke which I don't think is funny.
I build a bridge which I doubt will last.

I set the rules just to break em.
I draw the lines just to cross em.
I push the limits just to test em.

I put out the trap only to fall in it.
I plan the way only to get lost in it.
I solve the puzzle only to mess up the pieces again.

This is me.
Fighting a battle with myself, just to find the true me.
Discovering myself through my indecisiveness.
Trying hard to bear with myself.
The clock is ticking, and time reminds me I don't have all my life to do this.

It's here. It's now.

This is me, trying to understand Society.

2009-02-25T09:30:00.003+08:00

So much I want to blog about. Can't seem to gather and sort my thoughts out. So much has been going on around me, even my dreams are messed up. Example. I dreamt that Dave and I bought a damn big plasma TV and it was so huge, all I could see was the subtitles. Now, what's that suppose to mean. Oh, and we were watching a Hindi movie and I told him, "B, I can't see anything, I can only see the subtitles". To which he replied, "I'm gonna remove the subtitles, don't concentrate on it, indulge in the beauty of the language". Hahahahahahaha. Damn funny giler when I think about it.

So anyway, back to my point of so many things going on around me. I shall try to sort out my thoughts here.

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Don't you just wonder why people expose their whole life story to the world? Either via facebook or blog? I wonder. I'm not talkin about exposing the surface of their lives.. but some people I know expose their deepest emotions and 'darkest'. While celebrities & famous figures (ie politicians) cringe at the very thought of them being exposed, these people try so hard to do it. Why? Sympathy? Attention? Insecurity? To share your life story, your pain, your sorrows, your joy, is one thing. But there's gotta be a limit right? Yes, I know it's their lives, their wish, blablabla, but I'm just wondering.. why wash your dirty linen in public?
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I've been thinking about this issue a lot lately, to a point where I decided that I will blog about it. And today, Melissa's facebook status put my thoughts perfectly into words. I'm not sure if she and I mean the same thing, but I shall just quote her anyway:

Melissa is wondering.. is it fair to justify that people do the things they do because it is "human nature"..

As time goes by, society conveniently categorises stuff as "human nature". Think about it. How ridiculous can that be. Human nature. It's like history. You can't change, add, edit, copy, paste, delete anything about it! So typical of us to find excuses and reasons for justification. I've got 1 example from the top of my head:
Watching porn is normal and even essential. Yeah?! Since when?? There was no porn during our grandpa's era. They survived. Since when did it become a necessity? Some would say times are changing, evolution, yada yada. But please. If you wanna watch porn, just watch it. Don't try to justify it. Really.
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That's it for now.