Photo Credit: "Elephant Skin" by anankkml / freedigitalphotos.net

For those who know me best, my greatest fear has always been aging. Contrary to popular belief, it is not the same as the fear of growing old. To me, at least. Growing old is something we cannot run away from. But what I fear is losing the ability to do the things because of age. The signs are already showing: -

Then: I hit a record of 5 nights without sleep and only needed a boost of caffeine to keep my sanity, even on the 6th day!
Now: I can barely keep my eyes open if I had just 5 hours of sleep the previous night

Then: I used to party every weekend, on both Friday and Saturday nights and only needed Sunday to recover and rejuvenate myself for the week
Now: I yawn in clubs. At 11pm. 2 hours of clubbing will only lead to me lying in bed the next day nursing a so called hangover (which would have resulted from one beer)

Ok, listing it down is just depressing (not to mention, embarrassing). My point is, those things, I cannot control. And that's growing old.

What I fear is, the increase in responsibilities and wrinkles, and the decrease in speed and fun. But the consolation really lies in the fact that I can indeed control these things. Slap on some anti-wrinkle cream and learn how to manage the bills while still having loads of fun. Easy peasy. There, problem solved.

So, why am I still afraid of aging?

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What the future holds

I've been toying with the idea of blogging part-time. Something that will no doubt generate money, but more than that, serve some purpose.

It really is a win-win situation for me. It feeds the cravings of the writer in me, and I get to give back to society somehow. I can't decide what exactly I want my blog to be about. I want it to be so many things, that I've given up on trying to choose one and I'm now brainstorming on how to put it all together. Like a one-stop centre. To learn, teach, play, laugh, share, cry, experience, and maybe, stalk me. Haha.

What better time to kick start a project than the new year right?

Ok, I'm off to continue my mind map. (Don't you just love mind-mapping?!)

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Complicating Simplicity

Look at the inventions we have these days. Honestly, we would live a pretty decent life without any of them. Our grandparents did just fine. But given a choice, we rather get these machines, gadgets, and apps just to save a penny or a few minutes. It may not seem complicated, since most of us grew up with this technology. But look at it this way. Try teaching your parents or grandparents the concept of a video call. They will be baffled! Why do that when you can just pick up the phone? Or drive home to your parents' instead of talking to them through a computer screen? We see it as simplifying things. But is it really?

It doesn't stop there. Job promotions, bonuses, higher salary, bigger houses, flashier cars. Do we really need all that? We are sure behaving like we do! In order to make life simpler, we tend to over-think, over-produce and over-achieve. Why do we constantly complicate every single thing in our lives?

Take love, for example. One of the purest emotions. One that is suppose to bloom without any effort. Love comes from the depths of one's soul. Yet we manage to get our knickers in a twist to sustain this love. When you look at the bigger picture, if that much effort is to be made for love, is it really love in the first place? Or does love simply lose its purity when entangled with other emotions? Is love suppose to be independent or does it depend on the person, the environment, etc?

See what I did there? I just complicated the purest and simplest emotion.

It must be in us, really. This ability or rather need to muddle matter would have come in a bundle along with curiousity, intelligence and that questioning-spree that began when we started talking. Dissecting every situation is probably one of the prized abilities of that mushy grey matter in our skulls and like all gifts given to us by our creator, it will only do good if used wisely.

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Day 12 of my 30 Day Blog Journal - Something you are OCD about

The procrastination of this 30 Day Blog Journal really tells you alot about me doesn't it. Read: lazy, unreliable, etc. :( I'm so tempted to give up on it, but for the sake of reviving my blog (and keeping my word), I won't. 

I'm really OCD about packing. Like when I'm travelling.

It all began in highschool, since the age of 14, I begin to what I would call being active in extra curricular activities. Though some may depict this as the downfall of my quest for being a straight A student, I would beg to differ. Anyway, as I was saying, I joined the choir, St. John Ambulance and English drama club. I was talented lucky enough that I did enter many competitions and in all 3, my team reached nationals! You might be interested to know that though I never had the opportunity to lift a national champion trophy, I did come pretty close (2nd placing for choir and drama!).

Anyhooo... back to the topic. So, I had to travel for these competitions easily about 2-3 times a year for the district and national levels. As a kid going away from home, without my parents, it was kinda traumatising to imagine what I would do if I brought one less panties. Or got my period out there and didn't bring pads. Or forgot my toothbrush. Note that we were placed in such a controlled situation, and psycho chaperones, that it was not easy to just walk out and buy something. So I started making lists. I had a notebook (which I still keep till today) and every page of it has a list that looks something like this:

Stuff to Take to Nationals (2-5 Oct 2000, Terengganu)


Toiletries
Soap
Shampoo & Conditioner
Towel
Toothbrush
Toothpaste
Mouthwash

Grooming (I didn't know what else to call this category)
Cleanser
Toner
Moisturizer
Cotton
Deodorant 
note that the following items were needed for my on-stage make up, and not because i was allowed to wear make up otherwise at that age.
Hairspray
Eye shadow
Eye liner
Lipstick
Blusher


Clothes
12 pairs of B&P (note: I had to code it fearing someone might see it. lol. and yes, I overpack my undergarments till today!)
Day 1 - top and jeans / nightwear
Day 2 - top and skirt / nightwear
Day 3 - dress / nightwear
Day 4 - top and jeans
2 extra tops
2 extra pants/jeans
Shoes
Sandals
Slippers
Heels
Socks


Extras
Camera
Batteries
Phone Charger
Tissue
Pads
Pain killer (i suffer intolerable cramps)
Common medication (i took everything from flu tablets to food poisoning remedies)
Pen & journal
Wallet
Money
House keys (in case my parents forgot I was coming home and went out on a date)
Sunblock
Extra scrunchies
Walkman (ah don't you miss those big bulky things)


So yeah, that was what my list use to look like. Mind you, I never reused the list. I made a list for every trip. And still do. Till today. Also, this is such a bad OCD thing because I lose control and overpack just coz my list includes the most ridiculous things (extra scrunchies??). Not to mention the additional clothes. I always come back from a trip without using more than half of the clothes I packed.

So there :)

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Enlightened Thursday

Yes, sometimes I can be so ignorant about certain things and often, I make quick assumptions about stuff. When I'm finally enlightened with the truth, I'm amazed! Of course the amazement comes after a feeling of temporary stupidity, followed by me chuckling to myself. But it's nice when you get to laugh at yourself, no? :)

photo credit

For example, you know that line from Elton John's song 'Sacrifice' which goes:

Cold cold heart / Hard done by you

Till I was 16, I use to think it was "cocoa puff". Don't ask where I got that from. At that time, that's what it sounded like to me!



credit


More recently, after doing 4 advertorials across 4 months for one of our biggest clients, Perodua, only a week ago (while staring blankly at the logo on my mum's car) did I realise that their logo is actually the letter P. I thought it was just a pattern of some sort!

I'm still not done laughing at myself so feel free to join me ;)
I'm sure you have had your moments of enlightenments too!

How have you been enlightened?
Ever thought something was such for the longest time, only to realise you were wrong?

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It can happen to anyone of us.

I made a mistake today. Costly one.

It finally hit me how I've been taking things too lightly. At the risk of losing something that means so much to me. I cannot afford this. I've got way more than this to prove. Not to anyone but to myself. (Coz the rest of the world can go and die for all I care)

This is the one thing right now in my life that is going well. And that I simply cannot screw up. The rest of the things in my life, is already successfully screwed up and beyond repair. So this thing right here, my baby that's just beginning to grow, I'm gonna fix it while I can. It's neck isn't broken yet. Just maybe a hairline fracture in it's thumb. So I'm just gonna put a tiny cast, take good care of it till its healed and continue nurturing it till it grows into a healthy baby, a smart teenager, a wise adult and die a legend.

NO MORE MESSING THIS UP.

That's for sure.

ps: This is not a real baby so don't freak out. It's not even a human being so it was just a metaphor. Chill out! :)

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Beauty Pageant Candidate??

I will never fathom the logic of people who suddenly develop a certain accent after spending only about 10- 16% of their lives in a particular country. It appears even more stupid when there appears to be a few 'degrees' of this accent. Sometimes thick. Sometimes half past 2. Sometimes Manglish-ised.

Which is worse. Someone who's straight forward and blunt. Or someone who's an expert at sugarcoating their words and plastering a smile on their face all the time. Just like everything in this world, both has its pros and cons.

I have to admit, I'm the former. I don't really make an effort to sugarcoat my words and my facial expressions speak a thousand words. It doesn't always work to my benefit, but I have to say I do try my best not to cross the line to appear disrespectful or mean. Keyword : 'try'. Of course there are times when I do wish that I can plaster a smile, and say the perfect things...because it's not always a good impression to be like that. And you tend to piss alot of people off. :)

Likewise, I come across people (especially recently) who put on their gorgeous smiles, saying the sweetest things and just as I begin to think, what a nice person... I see them turn around and roll their eyes. Or start bitching the minute the 'victim' turns their back. To me, that says a lot about that person. Because the next thing I know, they're saying sweet things to me and giving me that infamous million dollar smile. What am I suppose to make out of that? Obviously I have my doubts and my guard is up all the time. And its difficult being around people like this. Ones you're not sure you can trust. And instead of building trust, it gets harder as the day goes by and I see more and learn more about the ugly side of things.

But that's just how it is isn't it? Life, I mean. The more you learn, the longer you're around, the many experiences you go through, the harder it gets to carry on. That's why they say ignorance is bliss. And that's why I always say, you can't unlearn what you've learn. I just gotta find a way around things, to know when to stand up and conquer, and when to back down and walk away.

Conclusion here is... there's not much of a conclusion than what I've already said. Simply because, I'm not even halfway there. I don't know what lies ahead and I'm not in a 'been there, done that' position. So all I can do is give it my best shot. I'm still trying. And with the fake people around me... GOD HELP ME!

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