Thursday, December 31, 2015

In memory of you who I continue holding a torch for.

The beginning of a new year (or the end of an old one) seems to be a trigger for me to blog.

After a horrendous 2013 & 2014, which was a wreck - personally and in general with several tragedies, 2015 has been rather pleasant.

That being said, there were some painful losses this year... to death, and to stupidity. While the latter is definitely not worth mentioning for obvious reasons, one of the saddest moments was in February when I lost my aunt to cancer.

As cliche as it may sound, the loss taught me to appreciate what I have and never take anyone for granted.

This subconsciously led me on a mission of rekindling relationships.

I went on to make several bold attempts to take the first step (and many consecutive steps) to reach out to these people.

I'm happy to report, each and every attempt worked out well.

Of course, the pessimist (and drama queen) in me began to think - hmmm, this is what usually happens when someone is about to die soon. They reach out to send out much delayed apologies, overdue gratitude and just a hey, I care about you.

But I quickly realised that it is also what many people do not get to do until it's too late and there's no worse feeling than regret.

So, I learnt to listen to my heart and if I felt like saying hello, or contacting a long lost friend, I just went ahead and did it.

I started putting more thought into the gifts I buy, to make it more meaningful to both me and the recipient. And to let them know what I really think about them. Instead of just To and From, I wrote messages to go along with the gift.

There is almost no way to regret saying what you really feel to someone who matters.

And chances are, it will be the best thing that happened to that relationship. And when done repeatedly, it only gets better. What's the point in keeping it all in? What are we waiting for? National Appreciation Day? The only thing appreciating while we wait is the property prices and the dollar!

Here's one example that summarises it all.

In June, I read an article of an ex-colleague and it was a great piece. I then realised that there are many writers out there who I admire and yet never reached out and told them that I did. And we writers know that feedback, compliments and critique are all we ever work for (hence why we're almost always broke). So I shared the article and told her I loved it. She tweeted me back, thanking me and telling me how she bawled her eyes out writing it too. That was her last tweet. She passed away on Christmas morning after a hard-fought battle with cancer. I never knew what happened in between. And while there's a tinge of regret that I had failed to asked her how she was coping, I was glad we had that last conversation. Though I may not be as close to her as the many who were privileged to be, I'm honoured to have known someone who is best described as beautiful both inside and out. Time to rest, Elaine.

In the process of rekindling old friendships, I also made some new ones - really great ones. Blessings really do come through when you open the doors of your heart.

To those who have been part of my pleasant 2015, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

And no, I will not let the gratitude rot here in my age-old blog. I will continue reaching out and telling people exactly how much they mean to me, or what an awesome person they are, or if they're wearing some real kick-ass shoes.

Even if it's a sign that my life is going to come to an abrupt end soon, I'm glad that I'm doing this now. And will continue to do so till my last breath.

Signing off the year with much love and light,

Thursday, January 08, 2015

What I've learnt in 2014

I learnt what it is like to start the year single after 10 years of always having someone I love by my side to count down with. p/s: The year ended with an amazing countdown in Sydney with more love than I thought I could handle :)

I learnt that the best way to heal is to give, the best way to smile is to make someone smile and the best way to appreciate life is to see what others lack.

I learnt to travel, to experience different culture, food, weather, sights and sounds.
And with that I learnt that nothing comes close to the feeling of being home.

I learnt what it's like to be loved so deeply and yet not find it within you to return that love.

I learnt that it is true indeed, that one cannot love another until one loves thyself.

I learnt to walk away while I can and that closing an eye to petty annoying things can lead to a massive pain in the ass. (Not literally)

I learnt that (most) people are just out to serve their purpose, fulfill their needs, satisfy their desires, feed their souls and quench their thirst. Without giving a damn about the rest of the world.

I learnt that there are still angels that exist. An angel I had for ten years and counting.

I learnt that tragedy brings people closer, and throws them apart all at the same time.

But most of all, I learnt that forgiveness isn't easy at all, but it is liberating and will set you free.

Here's to another year, may it be yet another a roller coaster ride!

A look back...

A year ago... I was afraid of getting old (still am!)

In 2010... I laughed at random shit (still do!).

In 2009... I hated my job (in contrary to that, I freakin' love my job now!)

In 2008... I got through a rough year like a champ. (wow, I almost forgot that)

In 2007... I was a depressed young fool. Lol.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Turning 28

I celebrated my 28th birthday more than a month ago. My father did give me a scare when he insisted that I was turning 29. Thanks, Pa. My math was so bad, I had to calculate in my head thrice to be sure.

Anyway, it got me thinking about the 28 years of my life, the past 10 in particular. That's when I realised, 2014 is the tenth year anniversary for quite a few occasions and incidences that took place. I guess it's because so much happens when you're 18.

I fell in love for the first time. Met my soul mate, whom until today, and forevermore, will remain as my 'person'. I also lived alone for the first time in my life and with that came many other not very good decisions I made 10 years ago. Thankfully, most of which I can laugh about today.

If I could tell my 18-year-old self anything, I would not have anything to say. The choices and decisions, regardless good or bad, has moulded me into what I am today.

Heck even my 27-year-old self has made some pretty sucky decisions so I doubt I will ever reach an age where I can "advise my younger self".

Bottom line is, I'm not growing old, I'm just growing. Period.

Just need to stop growing sideways.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

"Alright, Good Night"

It's been 13 days. That's 300 hours since those words were uttered from MH370 to the world outside the aircraft.

I've been wanting to pen down my thoughts since the very first day, but couldn't find the right words. Today, as we possibly move towards closure with the recent findings by the Australian maritime, I just want to steal this few moments. Possibly the last few moments of hope I'm allowed to have.

From Day 1, I have had such high hopes that they are all somewhere, out there, and they're coming back. I know the niece of one of the cabin crew, and that is close enough to feel the pain. I cannot possibly imagine how each and every family member feels or has been feeling from the minute they did not see their loved ones walking out the departure gate, or getting the "I've arrived" text.

To the families of the passengers and crew of MH370, the flame of hope still burns bright for you, but in any case, you deserve closure of some sort. Whether it is a happy ending or otherwise, I wish you the strength to move on and the love to heal the pain.

MH370, regardless of how this is going to end, you have taught us all SO MUCH.

The world has united in ways we have not seen in a long, long time. So many countries across the globe unite for a sole purpose. Communicating, supporting, consoling and pouring out their efforts in the search and rescue mission.

Malaysia, my beloved country, which was suffering from spurts of racial and religious tension, has come together in ways that has brought tears to my eyes. People of all race and religion unite and pray for the safety of the missing flight in ways we have never done before. The authorities have been challenged in many ways and I trust, they have learnt so much and things will change for the better. We are a developing nation and this is a big hit which we will grow stronger from.

It is sad but tragedies like this will also serve as a reminder for each of us to never take our loved ones for granted. Life is so fragile and every moment should be treasured.

MH370, allow me to say probably for one of the last times, "Please come back."

Thursday, February 20, 2014

How to Forget.

We are blessed with this amazing gift known as memory. But it often becomes a real pain to live with. There isn't any compartmentalisation in this box of memories. You just remember everything and that includes the not-so-good ones.

The hurt and pain you experience often lingers somewhere in your body like a fatal disease. Some days you barely realise it's there and some days, it just pierces through and you feel like your entire physical being is shrinking (or expanding to the verge of explosion).

If elephants had the best memory, why are they so happy?!

So how do we forget? Well, newsflash - you don't.

You just learn to take control of it. Manipulate it. Change it to happy thoughts. Which is clearly a case of easier said than done but we have all done it before. You know that short bubbles of time when you feel light and happy before you slip back into the pain? That's us overcoming it. So yes, we all have it in us. All that's left to do now, is master it. Unfortunately, that means you'll have to live through the sore wounds over and over again, till you finally learn how to move around it and above it for good. Notice how I don't say 'get rid of it'. Well, simply because, the pain never disappears. It becomes a part of you. You know that cliche saying everything happens for a reason - well it is so apt in this case. You may not realise it today, or tomorrow or even in a year's time. But all things, including the bad stuff, has its purpose. So embrace it. Remember how it feels, the flowing tears, the tightness of your chest, the twisting of your insides. Because one day, after reducing gradually, it will be just a faint feeling. Though I must warn you, that may not be the end of all things bad, you may have to go through it all over again someday - that's just how life is. But the next time it happens, you will remember that you went through it before and most importantly, you will remember how easier it got over time and how you healed yourself.

And that my friend, is how amazing the gift of memory is.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Many have come and gone...

...but only a few who have left deep prints in my heart.

This is as about crazy as my boy-stories can get

To the first guy who ever loved me, I'm sorry I broke your heart. I said yes to going out with you, I kissed you, and told you I loved you back when I really didn't feel anything as close to how much you did. I was young and stupid. And careless with your heart. You have taught me to never do that again. It was the first and last I ever lied about loving someone.

To my first love. When I think of our days together, I am glad to say I remember more good, happy times than bad, sad ones. It hurt to have to let you go but I think we both knew it was never going to work out. 7 years down the road, when I look back, I smile. Thank you for showing me what it's like to love and be loved.

To the one who got away. We were both never in the right place at the right time but through our friendship, you taught me so much more than any other guy in my life did.You were heaven sent during a tough time in my life when I was in my "not a girl, not yet a woman" stage. Though our friendship died a painful death, you are the one I definitely send the most light and love to whenever you cross my mind. I hope you are happy with where you are in life right now and wish you could see the woman I've turned out to be. You played a big part in me becoming who I am today. Thank you.

To the rockstar. We knew that we were never meant to be. But that short period of time was the most expressive I have ever been. We sang, we danced, we travelled, we laughed. There wasn't a single bad day. You taught me to open up my heart and soul, and through that, I built back my confidence which was at its lowest point. It is because of you, I know that I can always give myself the escape I deserve and till today, I sing out loud to feel better. Thank you.

To the epic ex. You stomped all over my heart and broke it into a million pieces over and over again. You shattered my world and made me feel the smallest most times. You bruised me both inside and out with your words and with your hands. But I learnt the most lessons of life from being with you. Thank you for I now know what I deserve and never again will I settle for lesser.

To the one who will fill up the space of this next paragraph. I look forward to writing our story.

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Photo Credit: "Elephant Skin" by anankkml /

For those who know me best, my greatest fear has always been aging. Contrary to popular belief, it is not the same as the fear of growing old. To me, at least. Growing old is something we cannot run away from. But what I fear is losing the ability to do the things because of age. The signs are already showing: -

Then: I hit a record of 5 nights without sleep and only needed a boost of caffeine to keep my sanity, even on the 6th day!
Now: I can barely keep my eyes open if I had just 5 hours of sleep the previous night

Then: I used to party every weekend, on both Friday and Saturday nights and only needed Sunday to recover and rejuvenate myself for the week
Now: I yawn in clubs. At 11pm. 2 hours of clubbing will only lead to me lying in bed the next day nursing a so called hangover (which would have resulted from one beer)

Ok, listing it down is just depressing (not to mention, embarrassing). My point is, those things, I cannot control. And that's growing old.

What I fear is, the increase in responsibilities and wrinkles, and the decrease in speed and fun. But the consolation really lies in the fact that I can indeed control these things. Slap on some anti-wrinkle cream and learn how to manage the bills while still having loads of fun. Easy peasy. There, problem solved.

So, why am I still afraid of aging?