Thursday, March 20, 2014

"Alright, Good Night"

It's been 13 days. That's 300 hours since those words were uttered from MH370 to the world outside the aircraft.

I've been wanting to pen down my thoughts since the very first day, but couldn't find the right words. Today, as we possibly move towards closure with the recent findings by the Australian maritime, I just want to steal this few moments. Possibly the last few moments of hope I'm allowed to have.

From Day 1, I have had such high hopes that they are all somewhere, out there, and they're coming back. I know the niece of one of the cabin crew, and that is close enough to feel the pain. I cannot possibly imagine how each and every family member feels or has been feeling from the minute they did not see their loved ones walking out the departure gate, or getting the "I've arrived" text.



To the families of the passengers and crew of MH370, the flame of hope still burns bright for you, but in any case, you deserve closure of some sort. Whether it is a happy ending or otherwise, I wish you the strength to move on and the love to heal the pain.

MH370, regardless of how this is going to end, you have taught us all SO MUCH.

The world has united in ways we have not seen in a long, long time. So many countries across the globe unite for a sole purpose. Communicating, supporting, consoling and pouring out their efforts in the search and rescue mission.

Malaysia, my beloved country, which was suffering from spurts of racial and religious tension, has come together in ways that has brought tears to my eyes. People of all race and religion unite and pray for the safety of the missing flight in ways we have never done before. The authorities have been challenged in many ways and I trust, they have learnt so much and things will change for the better. We are a developing nation and this is a big hit which we will grow stronger from.

It is sad but tragedies like this will also serve as a reminder for each of us to never take our loved ones for granted. Life is so fragile and every moment should be treasured.

MH370, allow me to say probably for one of the last times, "Please come back."

Thursday, February 20, 2014

How to Forget.

We are blessed with this amazing gift known as memory. But it often becomes a real pain to live with. There isn't any compartmentalisation in this box of memories. You just remember everything and that includes the not-so-good ones.

The hurt and pain you experience often lingers somewhere in your body like a fatal disease. Some days you barely realise it's there and some days, it just pierces through and you feel like your entire physical being is shrinking (or expanding to the verge of explosion).

If elephants had the best memory, why are they so happy?!


So how do we forget? Well, newsflash - you don't.

You just learn to take control of it. Manipulate it. Change it to happy thoughts. Which is clearly a case of easier said than done but we have all done it before. You know that short bubbles of time when you feel light and happy before you slip back into the pain? That's us overcoming it. So yes, we all have it in us. All that's left to do now, is master it. Unfortunately, that means you'll have to live through the sore wounds over and over again, till you finally learn how to move around it and above it for good. Notice how I don't say 'get rid of it'. Well, simply because, the pain never disappears. It becomes a part of you. You know that cliche saying everything happens for a reason - well it is so apt in this case. You may not realise it today, or tomorrow or even in a year's time. But all things, including the bad stuff, has its purpose. So embrace it. Remember how it feels, the flowing tears, the tightness of your chest, the twisting of your insides. Because one day, after reducing gradually, it will be just a faint feeling. Though I must warn you, that may not be the end of all things bad, you may have to go through it all over again someday - that's just how life is. But the next time it happens, you will remember that you went through it before and most importantly, you will remember how easier it got over time and how you healed yourself.

And that my friend, is how amazing the gift of memory is.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Many have come and gone...

...but only a few who have left deep prints in my heart.

This is as about crazy as my boy-stories can get


To the first guy who ever loved me, I'm sorry I broke your heart. I said yes to going out with you, I kissed you, and told you I loved you back when I really didn't feel anything. I was young and stupid. And careless with your heart. You have taught me to never do that again. It was the first and last I ever lied about loving someone.

To my first love. When I think of our days together, I am glad to say I remember more good, happy times than bad, sad ones. It hurt to have to let you go but I think we both knew it was never going to work out. 7 years down the road, when I look back, I smile. Thank you for showing me what it's like to love and be loved.

To the one who got away. We were both never in the right place at the right time but through our friendship, you taught me so much more than any other guy in my life did.You were heaven sent during a tough time in my life when I was in my "not a girl, not yet a woman" stage. Though our friendship died a painful death, you are the one I definitely send the most light and love to whenever you cross my mind. I hope you are happy with where you are in life right now and wish you could see the woman I've turned out to be. You played a big part in me becoming who I am today. Thank you.

To the rockstar. We knew that we were never meant to be. But that short period of time was the most expressive I have ever been. We sang, we danced, we travelled, we laughed. There wasn't a single bad day. You taught me to open up my heart and soul, and through that, I built back my confidence which was at its lowest point. It is because of you, I know that I can always give myself the escape I deserve and till today, I sing out loud to feel better. Thank you.

To the epic ex. You stomped all over my heart and broke it into a million pieces over and over again. You shattered my world and made me feel the smallest most times. You bruised me both inside and out with your words and with your hands. But I learnt the most lessons of life from being with you. Thank you for I now know what I deserve and never again will I settle for lesser.

To the one who will fill up the space of this next paragraph. I look forward to writing our story.


Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Photo Credit: "Elephant Skin" by anankkml / freedigitalphotos.net


For those who know me best, my greatest fear has always been aging. Contrary to popular belief, it is not the same as the fear of growing old. To me, at least. Growing old is something we cannot run away from. But what I fear is losing the ability to do the things because of age. The signs are already showing: -

Then: I hit a record of 5 nights without sleep and only needed a boost of caffeine to keep my sanity, even on the 6th day!
Now: I can barely keep my eyes open if I had just 5 hours of sleep the previous night

Then: I used to party every weekend, on both Friday and Saturday nights and only needed Sunday to recover and rejuvenate myself for the week
Now: I yawn in clubs. At 11pm. 2 hours of clubbing will only lead to me lying in bed the next day nursing a so called hangover (which would have resulted from one beer)

Ok, listing it down is just depressing (not to mention, embarrassing). My point is, those things, I cannot control. And that's growing old.

What I fear is, the increase in responsibilities and wrinkles, and the decrease in speed and fun. But the consolation really lies in the fact that I can indeed control these things. Slap on some anti-wrinkle cream and learn how to manage the bills while still having loads of fun. Easy peasy. There, problem solved.

So, why am I still afraid of aging?

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

What the future holds

I've been toying with the idea of blogging part-time. Something that will no doubt generate money, but more than that, serve some purpose.

It really is a win-win situation for me. It feeds the cravings of the writer in me, and I get to give back to society somehow. I can't decide what exactly I want my blog to be about. I want it to be so many things, that I've given up on trying to choose one and I'm now brainstorming on how to put it all together. Like a one-stop centre. To learn, teach, play, laugh, share, cry, experience, and maybe, stalk me. Haha.

What better time to kick start a project than the new year right?

Ok, I'm off to continue my mind map. (Don't you just love mind-mapping?!)

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Complicating Simplicity

Look at the inventions we have these days. Honestly, we would live a pretty decent life without any of them. Our grandparents did just fine. But given a choice, we rather get these machines, gadgets, and apps just to save a penny or a few minutes. It may not seem complicated, since most of us grew up with this technology. But look at it this way. Try teaching your parents or grandparents the concept of a video call. They will be baffled! Why do that when you can just pick up the phone? Or drive home to your parents' instead of talking to them through a computer screen? We see it as simplifying things. But is it really?

It doesn't stop there. Job promotions, bonuses, higher salary, bigger houses, flashier cars. Do we really need all that? We are sure behaving like we do! In order to make life simpler, we tend to over-think, over-produce and over-achieve. Why do we constantly complicate every single thing in our lives?

Take love, for example. One of the purest emotions. One that is suppose to bloom without any effort. Love comes from the depths of one's soul. Yet we manage to get our knickers in a twist to sustain this love. When you look at the bigger picture, if that much effort is to be made for love, is it really love in the first place? Or does love simply lose its purity when entangled with other emotions? Is love suppose to be independent or does it depend on the person, the environment, etc?

See what I did there? I just complicated the purest and simplest emotion.

It must be in us, really. This ability or rather need to muddle matter would have come in a bundle along with curiousity, intelligence and that questioning-spree that began when we started talking. Dissecting every situation is probably one of the prized abilities of that mushy grey matter in our skulls and like all gifts given to us by our creator, it will only do good if used wisely.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Day 12 of my 30 Day Blog Journal - Something you are OCD about

The procrastination of this 30 Day Blog Journal really tells you alot about me doesn't it. Read: lazy, unreliable, etc. :( I'm so tempted to give up on it, but for the sake of reviving my blog (and keeping my word), I won't. 

I'm really OCD about packing. Like when I'm travelling.

It all began in highschool, since the age of 14, I begin to what I would call being active in extra curricular activities. Though some may depict this as the downfall of my quest for being a straight A student, I would beg to differ. Anyway, as I was saying, I joined the choir, St. John Ambulance and English drama club. I was talented lucky enough that I did enter many competitions and in all 3, my team reached nationals! You might be interested to know that though I never had the opportunity to lift a national champion trophy, I did come pretty close (2nd placing for choir and drama!).

Anyhooo... back to the topic. So, I had to travel for these competitions easily about 2-3 times a year for the district and national levels. As a kid going away from home, without my parents, it was kinda traumatising to imagine what I would do if I brought one less panties. Or got my period out there and didn't bring pads. Or forgot my toothbrush. Note that we were placed in such a controlled situation, and psycho chaperones, that it was not easy to just walk out and buy something. So I started making lists. I had a notebook (which I still keep till today) and every page of it has a list that looks something like this:

Stuff to Take to Nationals (2-5 Oct 2000, Terengganu)


Toiletries
Soap
Shampoo & Conditioner
Towel
Toothbrush
Toothpaste
Mouthwash

Grooming (I didn't know what else to call this category)
Cleanser
Toner
Moisturizer
Cotton
Deodorant 
note that the following items were needed for my on-stage make up, and not because i was allowed to wear make up otherwise at that age.
Hairspray
Eye shadow
Eye liner
Lipstick
Blusher


Clothes
12 pairs of B&P (note: I had to code it fearing someone might see it. lol. and yes, I overpack my undergarments till today!)
Day 1 - top and jeans / nightwear
Day 2 - top and skirt / nightwear
Day 3 - dress / nightwear
Day 4 - top and jeans
2 extra tops
2 extra pants/jeans
Shoes
Sandals
Slippers
Heels
Socks


Extras
Camera
Batteries
Phone Charger
Tissue
Pads
Pain killer (i suffer intolerable cramps)
Common medication (i took everything from flu tablets to food poisoning remedies)
Pen & journal
Wallet
Money
House keys (in case my parents forgot I was coming home and went out on a date)
Sunblock
Extra scrunchies
Walkman (ah don't you miss those big bulky things)


So yeah, that was what my list use to look like. Mind you, I never reused the list. I made a list for every trip. And still do. Till today. Also, this is such a bad OCD thing because I lose control and overpack just coz my list includes the most ridiculous things (extra scrunchies??). Not to mention the additional clothes. I always come back from a trip without using more than half of the clothes I packed.

So there :)